What Cruel Irony
by Sinsanity
Summary: Grimmjow's reputation for being a total pimp is on the line after a tragic accident at a party. Grimm resorts to his only hope at saving himself from this terrible social nightmare; Ulquiorra, resident genius. Will it be enough? Nah, probably not.
1. The Problem Arises

**A/N FROM THE FUTURE (insert sparkles here)  
>OKAY SO THIS WENT ON HIATUS FOR AN ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR SO I WILL TRY TO FINISH EVERYTHING THIS SUMMER I SWEAR<br>LIKE I WILL MAKE IT MY LIFE GOAL TO FINISH THIS  
>ANYWAYS I REREAD SOME THINGS AND IT'S KINDA INCONSISTENT SO HERE'S THE RUNDOWN<br>GRIMMJOW, NNOITRA, HALIBAL, STARRK, ULQUIORRA, ICHIGO, SHIRO, NEL, SHUUHEI, BASICALLY EVERYONE IS IN SOPHOMORE YEAR  
>JUST BECAUSE<br>IT'S A LITTLE YOUNG BUT THIS IS A FANFICTION SO WHAT THE HELL WHY NOT AND WE NEED RANGIKU TO BE A SEXY JUNIOR WITHOUT BEING A SCARY SENIOR  
>NO OFFENSE SENIORS BUT YOU GUYS WILL ALWAYS BE THE EVIL LOOMING ANIME CHARACTERS WITH DARK AURAS<br>anyways, if you have any other questions because i screwed up, feel free to message me or review**

**alright so here's the original intro message:**

**Greetings, fellow addicts! Ever since Last Night ended, I've kinda wanted to do a first person high school story. Hence, this was born. I have no idea how long this will be, and I haven't really set a strict plot, so it's bound to change. A lot. So... um...**

**Enjoy your fic.**

**I don't own Bleach or any associated characters. Yet.**

* * *

><p>Okay, let's just start out by saying that none of this was my fault in any way. Sure, I'm running like hell broke loose through a college dorm building being chased by mutant, erm, things, and maybe I'm carrying questionable looking white powder in plastic baggies, but what does that prove? And so what if I'm just slightly, undoubtedly, unquestionably naked? You got a problem with that? Thought so.<p>

Well, now that you know that I'm totally not responsible for any of this crazy shit, I can give you a tour of me, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques, the sexiest thing on two legs. Or any other number of legs, for that matter. I'm actually not in college yet; I'm a sophomore at Hueco Mundo High. My electric blue hair causes people to doubt my intelligence and sexuality, and, to be honest, they have a pretty valid argument. However, I'm NOT as stupid or homo as I look. Sure, the little scenario I described above may make you think otherwise, but in order to really get it, let's rewind a little.

"Hey guys, so wha-"

I'm quickly cut off by a towering, black-haired idiot kneeing me in the groin.

Enter: Nnoitra Gilga. 16 years old. Long black hair framing slanted eyes and a permanent grin. Acts like a total douche 'round the clock. Is hated by every adult he meets. Known by others as the school pervert and idiot. My best friend.

I double over in pain, helplessly clutching at the broken remains of mini-Grimmy.

"I guess he is a guy," Nnoitra states whilst admiring his handiwork.

"Dammit." I look over and see a brunet with sleepy eyes dishing out ten bucks to a blonde with massive jugs.

Enter: Coyote Starrk and Tia Halibel. Both have been living for 16 years. The former is a sleepy bastard that still manages to pull all A's, as well as maintain a relationship with the latter. The latter being a feisty chick with a nice rack, first dubbed by me as a dyke. Starrk has chin length light brown hair, and seems to be permanently high. Tia's blonde locks are typically tied back into three pony tails, and her sea green eyes have the power to make even the most badass pimp around go cry into his mother's bosom.

"Seriously, guys? Was that really necessary?" I manage to choke out, still recovering from the immense pain shooting out of my crotch.

Nnoitra looks down at me, still writhing on the floor. "Well, remember that party a few nights ago? The one where the boa constrictor got loose?"

"Not really. I remember bits and pieces, but I was hardcore hammered, dude."

I smirk, remembering how I borrowed some idiot's girlfriend from him and started making out with her. She totally loved it, too. I could have sworn she was grabbing my butt. Maaaaan, I am such a sexy bastard sometimes.

"Well, it was kinda weird, 'cause, uh… well… "

He trails off, covering his mouth with his hand and shaking slightly.

"Dude, what's wrong with you? What did I do?"

"You, uh… " He paused to smirk. "-you… " Insert dumbass chuckle here. "-well, you see-"

Starrk cuts him off. "We saw you running around in a bra with hair extensions, and then, a few minutes later, you were on a coffee table making out with a dude, and Gilga used it as an excuse to question the characteristics of your genitals."

Leave it to Starrk to make it blatant. Wait…

…WHAT?

I spring off the floor, the former pain now long forgotten.

"I WAS KISSING A FUCKIN' DUDE AND YOU ASSHOLES DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO FUCKIN' STOP ME? WHAT THE FUCK? Oh shit, if anyone else saw, everyone's gonna think I'm gay! There goes my reputation, my social life, and the harem of hot chicks that always follows me around. Aww, damn. What the hell is wrong with you guys? You dumbass motherfu-"

Halibel punches my junk, and I'm on the floor again.

"What the hell you guys…" I manage weakly as I debate whether I'll ever be able to use my dick again.

"You'll be fine Grimmjow. Even if someone did see you, I doubt they would go around and tell everyone. Besides, because you were kissing a guy, after all, are you still so sure that you're even straight?" Halibel questions.

I give her a hateful look. That bitch…

Starrk decides that now would be a great time to break the tension.

"Hey guys, class is starting up soon, so we better get going." He grabs Halibel and together they waltz down the hall to the English room. I look up at Nnoitra, and he drags me back up to eye level. Well, more of neck level, seeing as he is a fucking giant.

"Yeah, I should get going too. You know how Tousen is about being late."

He flashes me one more piano-faced smile and swaggers to History class.

I sigh. If anyone caught me doing that, I would be a dead man. And why can't I remember anything? Discarding these thoughts, I stumble to the Science lab, half-cupping my recovering cock. I'll deal with this shit later. Right now, I need an ice pack.


	2. Getting Help

Splat.

Twitch.

Splat.

Clench.

Splat.

"Grimmjow, is it really necessary to decorate my chalkboard with your spitballs?" Mr. Kuchiki seethes. "If you really want to enroll in an art class to help with your lovely spitwork, I suggest you speak to the principal."

I frown at him. "But I like it so much here, Byakuya!"

The guy looks like he was about to rip my head off and mount it above his fireplace. "I have authority over you, and can do with you as I see fit. I am your teacher, and you will address me as such. Now, if you will, it would be in your best interests to go see Principal Aizen promptly."

"Someone needs a lay," I mumble.

I can hear the chalk he's holding snap in half, even from halfway across the classroom.

He turns to meet me slowly, his left eye spazzing out and his fists clenching and unclenching. "What was that, Mr. Jaegerjaques?"

Uh oh. We're in the last-name zone. Better get going. "Nothing, sir. Can't wait ta see ya tomorrow! Your hair looks incredible today!" I accent my statement with a little wave at the end and fly out of the classroom as fast as possible.

Bleh. His hair makes him look like a goddamn mermaid.

As I make my way to Aizen's office, I mentally slap myself. God, I can be such an idiot, sometimes. I need to lay low until I can get this whole kissing-a-guy matter resolved. Right now, I need info. And there is only one place to go when you need the word on the street.

Turning the corner, I run right into the one person that can help me out with my dilemma, sending him to the ground. How ironic.

"That hurt, trash," comes an annoyed voice from the floor.

Enter: Ulquiorra Cifer. 15 years of age, yet still in my grade. Rather depressed-looking, with his unnaturally pale skin and shoulder-length pitch black hair. Has vivid green eyes and tear-track tattoos of the same color. Model student, and way too smart for his own good. Overuses the word "trash." Despite the natural 'GTFO' atmosphere he creates wherever he goes, he's rather popular. Associates himself with three main individuals. Said individuals being Neliel Tu Oderschvank, Ichigo Kurosaki, and Shiro Kurosaki. Universally known as the greatest high school info broker of all time. Doesn't like me very much.

"Oh. Sorry about that," I apologize as I help him up. Damn, apologizing is weird. Being polite is weird. Let's not make a habit of it.

He just sighs. Well, I suppose that if I want him to help me, I'll have to start sucking up.

"So… where ya goin'?" I ask, trying to initiate a potentially friendly conversation.

Ulquiorra frowns. "The principal's office. Why do you want to know?"

I grin, and repeatedly slap him on the back. "Aww, that's great! I'm goin' there too, and now I don't have ta walk alone!"

Ulquiorra looks pained as I tell him this. Hmm, I guess my charismatic approach on this isn't working.

I accompany him the rest of the way in silence, 'cause he seems ta like it better like that. Wonder if he's got sensitive ears or something.

Outside Aizen's office, I go over to knock when Ulquiorra jerks me back suddenly.

"Oi, what the fu-"

"Trash. Can't you see that he's already with someone right now? You mustn't interrupt."

Taking the time to look through the glass, I realize that he's right.

"Tch." I plop down on the bench outside, and he takes a seat next to me. I feel like I'm forgetting something…

…Oh right!

"So Ulquiorra, I was wondering if ya could help me out a little," I start casually, spinning my finger in the air. "I have this problem, ya see, and it would really be helpful if I could weed a little info out of ya."

He stares at me blankly. "Why should I? I see no benefit for me in this deal, and so it is therefore pointless."

Damn, this guy is tough. Maybe if I appeal to his emotional side. "Please Ulquiorra," I plead, getting down on one knee in front of him with my hands clasped together and watery eyes. "If you don't-" I look away, extending one arm and covering my forehead with the other, "-then I just don't know what I'll ever do! I need this information for the sake of my unborn children! And also if I don't get the info then a thousand bunnies will die!" I'm right up in his face now, giving him my most pitiful expression ever. "Please?"

He looks thoroughly unimpressed. Using a single finger to push my face away, he closes his eyes and replies, "Grimmjow, your begging is not helping your case."

"Oh, Ulquiorra, that's so cold!" a new voice exclaims. We both turn.

Oh, it's that Orihime chick. It looks like she just came out of Aizen's office. I wonder what she was-

-Oh, what's this?

Ulquiorra's face was now tinted pink, and he looked kinda lost. Why would he be…

…Jackpot!

Getting the idea, I decide to turn the tables. "He's not cold," I inform the girl defensively, choosing to suddenly grip Ulquiorra shoulders and pull him into a tight hug. "He just doesn't know how to express his feelings!"

Ulquiorra stares at me out of the corner of his eye, utterly horrified. "B-but… I…"

I place a finger at his lips lovingly. "Shh, shh, don't say it. I'll wait for you forever! Until the ends of the Earth! Anything so that we can be together!" I drop him and flourish my arms, drawing out the moment as long as possible.

Orihime smiles at us. She walks over to Ulquiorra and helps him back to his feet. Giving him a huge grin, she says, "Oh, I'm so happy for you, Ulquiorra! I didn't know that you felt that way about Grimmjow, but I completely support you in your love decision!"

"N-n-no… wait…" he tries weakly.

I lock an arm around his neck and noogie him, making kissy noises.

He curses a little and is about to throw me off when Orihime starts up again.

"So why are you two outside Aizen's office?" she asks us.

"Spitballs at the B-man," I reply without hesitation.

"What about you?" she questions as she turns to the frazzled boy in a headlock.

"Intense cursing and calling teachers trash…" he mumbles.

"Ah, I see."

In order to prevent the inevitable awkward silence that would soon follow, I feed her back her question. "So, what about you? Why did you get turned in?"

She fidgets and pulls at her skirt a little before saying, "I had… um… there was this little wardrobe malfunction in gym…"

Ulquiorra, now free of my arms, raises an eyebrow. "Wardrobe malfunction?"

Orihime is now fairly flustered, but quietly continues. "My shirt flew up while we were running…"

I stop. Back up a second… what? Oh man, that musta been seriously hot.

Remembering Ulquiorra's little situation in regards to the orange-haired girl, I face him. He's red. Completely red. I doubt he'll ever recover from that.

Seeing our faces, Orihime gets defensive. "But it wasn't my fault! Tatsuki told me that it was Chizuru behind me! And at least I was wearing a bra today!" She paused after this, her words catching up to her. She blushed, hard, and then made a quick getaway, giving us a lame excuse about forgetting her math textbook.

I glanced back at Ulquiorra once my face cooled down a bit more. The poor kid looked like he was about to pass out. He was literally vibrating.

Seeing as I am the older one here, I decide to take control of the situation.

Putting a hand on his shoulder, I try and calm him. "Hey, so… ya got a crush on Inoue?"

He slowly turns to face me. He doesn't look embarrassed anymore. Now he looks…

…Uh oh.

Grabbing my collar, he forces me back into a wall. "What the hell?" he hisses. "What was up with the act? Was that really necessary?"

I collect myself and grin at him. "I can cut ya a deal. Don't think that I don't notice that ya got your eye on the girl. Good choice, my man. However, I have the power to make your little relationship go one of two ways; you decide. I can be your angel or your devil. Take your pick. In exchange for helping ya out with your little girly, though, ya gotta give me the info I need and help me sort out my situation."

He lets go of his grip on my shirt, and I smooth it out.

Running a hand through my blue tresses, I look at him. He seems to be thinking about it, hard.

I extend him a hand. "Deal?"

He watches me warily, searching for any form of trickery.

Seeing no alternatives, he sighs and grabs my hand. "Deal."


	3. Meeting Obstacles

My little chat with Aizen went rather smoothly.

As long as I nodded, agreed with him, and smiled, I was guaranteed to get out unharmed. The dude liked hearing himself speak so much, that I didn't have to say a word.

Now free to roam the halls once more, I make a beeline for the cafeteria. Fifth period meant food. One of the miracles of life. In McDonalds we trust, bitches.

I see Starrk sauntering by a water fountain, and weave my way through the crowd to catch up with him.

"Oi!"

He turns around and opens his eyes.

"Hey man, hasn't Tia told you to stop goin' 'round with your eyes closed?"

"Mmmph. My sixth sense will guide me safely. Hasn't failed me yet, and Hali knows that," he drawls out.

I roll my eyes. "Whatever floats your boat, man."

We make our way to the cafeteria, and start off towards the lunch line when I hear someone.

"Hey, Grimmjow!"

I turn around and see a girl coming towards me.

Enter: Neliel Tu Oderschvank. Better known as Nel. Stole from our precious oxygen supply for 16 years as of now. Wavy tresses of light green constantly float around behind her like she's an angel or some shit. Her bosom rivals that of both Orihime and Tia. The round, innocent hazel eyes can be misleading. Is known for her black belt achievement and is trained in that art of "extreme self-defense." Which is what they call offensive skills in the real world. One of Ulquiorra's oldest friends, and is very protective of him. Is apathetic towards me, but mortal enemies with Nnoitra.

I put up a hand out of politeness. It's always a good idea to be polite around Nel. "Hi, Nel."

She gets right in front of me and gives me this slightly chilling passive aggressive glare, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

I raise an eyebrow. "Problem?"

"Someone told me that you struck a deal with Ulquiorra," she growled.

Oh fuck. I forgot about his personal bodyguard in the heat of the moment. Balls.

"Aww, struck a deal is such a strong term. More like came to a mutual agreement," I reply sheepishly while palming the back of my head. Buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy i-

"I don't buy it."

Damn. Is she psychic or something?

She leans in close, with her face barely centimeters from mine. She looks pretty annoyed.

I hiccup a little.

"Listen, Pretty Boy. If Ulquiorra wants out of this deal, you're going to let him out. No strings attached."

She presses our foreheads together and grabs my shirt. Her eyes are blazing infernos from Hell now, threatening to burn me alive.

"If he is injured, physically or emotionally, because of something directly or indirectly caused by you, I will personally see to your slow, painful death," she hisses. "Got that?"

"Yes, ma'am," I squeak. In a manly way, of course, but a squeak no less.

She sends a sweet smile in my direction and opts to run her fingers through my hair instead of grip my shirt.

"I'm glad that we're on the same page!" she chirps, then turns to leave.

Damn. She would be hot if she weren't so scary. How did she end up tailing Ulquiorra around?

"That lucky bastard gets a harem of chicks, and he doesn't even do anything," I mumble as I smooth back the hair she messed up.

Suddenly, she stops. And slowly turns. Without even looking at her, I can feel that the evil glints in her eyes are back. Shit, I guess she heard me. I'm really shitty at mumbling quietly. I forcefully close my eyes, not wanting to see when she finally castrates me.

Slinking towards me slowly, like a snake about to bite, she speaks.

"What was that?" she questions darkly. Goodbye, penis. I'll miss you. God, I'm sexy. Wait, no, thoughts wandering too far, getting back to mourning the loss of my little friend. But I'm still a sex bomb.

I'm about to get down on the floor and beg for her forgiveness when a hand lands on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Nel. I agreed to it on my own terms. Don't think that trash like him will easily pressure me into dishing out information."

My eyes shoot open. I know that cold, uncaring voice.

I fling myself at him, only to be intercepted by the green-haired bodyguard.

"Ulquiorra! Make her stop! She's like a frickin' robot assassin on kill mode! She's worse than Mrs. Unohana! Ulquiiiiiii!" I whine over Nel's shoulder, trying to reach him.

Nel turns around to face him. "Ulqui! Are you sure? Grimm is a douche-"

"I'm right here."

"-And if he threatened you, I can fix that, no questions asked."

Ulquiorra gives me one look, and I shut up before I say anything to the she-devil.

He gives Nel an awkward little smile. "It's alright, Nel. He didn't threaten me. I'm helping him, and he's helping me too. I'll be fine."

She looks at him, then at me, her face washed over with uncertainty. "Are you sure?"

"Uh huh."

"You'll come talk to me if you need anything though, right?" she asks him.

He gives her a reassuring look. "Of course."

Nel looks at me one last time, seething, and releases me. I give her a goofy grin and rub the back of my neck. She snorts and stomps off to talk to some of her other friends.

"Thanks," I tell Ulquiorra as we walk over to a table.

"You're such an idiot. You know how Nel gets about these types of things. Remember what she did to that one kid with pink hair in freshmen year?"

I think back. Bad memories arise.

"He was out of school recovering for a week, but I never found out how he was injured," I admit.

"Extreme case of abused nipples and mental damage from the shock of it all."

I feel sick. "That sounds really painful."

"Let's not find out."

We sit at a table by the windows, rather out-of-the-way, so no one overhears us.

Ulquiorra laces his fingers together and rests his chin on them.

"Alright. Let's get down to business," he starts. "What information do you require?"

I mentally prepare myself for any ridicule he may throw at me.

"Well, it happened at that party last night," I begin. "I was completely wasted, and I don't remember a thing."

"Typical," he scoffs. I decide to ignore it.

"So today, right before first period, Starrk tells me that I was…" I trail off, unsure of how to continue.

"Starrk said…" he repeats, urging me forward.

I gulp. Now or never.

"He said that later on, I was on a table kissing another guy," I state, trying to keep from running for the hills.

Ulquiorra doesn't move a muscle. At first.

Slowly, his mouth begins to twitch upward. He starts trembling a little, and his eyes take on a humorous light.

I frown. "Problem?"

And then all hell breaks loose. Ulquiorra is on the floor, convulsing, failing to contain his cries of laughter. You'd think that he was insane or something.

Seeing as this was the first time that the dude has ever shown any emotion ever, a mob of people gather, all imprinting this in their treasured memories forever. Time for gossiping, rumor-spreading, and blackmailing. Delicious.

Almost instantly, Nel is behind me, clamping her hand down on my throat.

She gets this freaky Medusa look, and spits out, "What did you do to him!"

I look from Ulquiorra's writhing form to her piercing gaze, holding my hands up defensively. "I have no idea! I just told him what I need help with, and he goes all crazy and shit on me!"

Nel sighs. "I'll fix this."

She crouches down to Ulquiorra's level and grabs his arms gently. She leans down to whisper something in his ear and he immediately stops.

Realizing what just happened, he composes himself and stands up like a pro.

Nel turns to all the kids now surrounding us. "Party's over. Get back to overdosing on calories now."

With a few grumbled responses, the crowd slowly disperses.

Nel gives me the 'I'm-watching-you' signal and fades into the shadows. Like a ninja. Creepy.

Ulquiorra situates himself back in his seat.

I stick my tongue out at him. "Ya kinda overreacted."

He inhales deeply. "Yes, that was slightly out of order," he admits. "Back to what you were saying? What information do you want, exactly?"

I ponder this. "Well, I want all the people who saw to keep quiet 'bout it, and I kinda wanna know who I was getting friendly with."

"Makes sense," Ulquiorra responds. He seems to go over a few things before he responds. "Well, I wasn't at the party, and I only have bits and pieces right now. I can gather the rest from my sources though, and everything should be in place soon."

I sigh in relief. Thank God, if word about this got out…

He looks up at me. "However…"

Oh shit. 'However' never means anything good…

"…Getting people to keep quiet will prove to be a bit more difficult than simply gathering intel. You need leverage, or some sort of incentive."

"I'm good at sex."

"I don't think that those skills will apply in all situations regarding this matter."

"I can do dudes, too. Just as long as I don't think about it too much."

"…Grimmjow."

"I mean, it's not really my style, but if I'm horny enough, anything goes, ya know?"

"Grimmjow."

"And besides, I'm sexually appealing to all genders. And races. And ages."

"Grimmjow."

"Seriously. I've got one hot bod."

"Grimmjow."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."


	4. Dodging Questions

Watery words, drifting eyes, calming waves of wind; it feels so peaceful right now.

Almost as if I could lay my head down on my desk…

And forget school for a while…

Pull a quick Starrk…

BOOM.

I jerk my head up as I'm rudely woken from my little nap by books slamming down onto my table.

"What the fuck, man?" I yell as I blindly flail my arms, still in the post-sleep state where you can't see anything.

I may not be able to see, but I can feel the smirk directed towards me.

"That never gets old," a tattooed boy informs me smugly.

Growling, I finally open my eyes to see the offender.

Enter: Shuuhei Hisagi. Popped out of his sorry mama 16 years ago. Jagged jet-black hair, muscled build, tanned skin, analytic eyes. Tattoos decorate much of his body, the most prominent being the stripe running across the right half of his face directly above the number 69. Much is inferred about why he has this particular number here. Most know why it's there. Through experience. Pretty chill about everything, almost like he's permanently high. Hangs around the juniors a lot, and has a major crush on this Rangiku chick. Unfortunately for him, the girl's having an affair with the 10th grade math teacher, Gin Ichimaru. Despite his little girl problem, he's my go-to man when I wanna talk about chicks.

"Fuck off, Shuuhei," I moan as I cover my head with my arms and drop to the desk like a deadweight.

"Dude, lighten up. It's eight period; you can sleep all you want to after this class," he reasons.

"But I wanna sleep now," I whine. Damn, I sounded like some bitchy whore. Oh well, I'm too sleepy to try and fix it. Bitchy whore it is.

"Come on, bro! I need your help on the lab we're doing today. Just make it through science. I'll drug you if I have to," he warns.

"Drugs…" I mumble. "Drugs are good…"

I see Shuuhei face-palm out of the corner of my eye.

Suddenly, I'm being dragged up off of the desk by strong arms. I protest as he hauls me to the side of the lab with all the materials and dumps various scientific-looking objects into my arms.

Shuuhei wheels me back over to the desk and plops down next to me. He points to all the chemistry equipment. "Okay. Work."

"Aww, Shuu, you're so mean," I bitch.

"So I am," he hums back. "Now work before I set the Vizards on you."

Oh, yeah. One more thing that I forgot to mention about Shuuhei and our school. The Vizards are like the local gang, so our school is considered their territory. They aren't the type to go around murdering and raping or anything, but they do get shit done. And Shuuhei? Let's just say that he has friends in high places.

I drop my elbows onto the desk, lace my fingers together, set my chin down on my interwoven hands, and pull up a smug smile. "Now, now, Shuu. Don't forget; in health class, we were told to report when threats were made against us. I would hate it if you were sent to Councilor Unohana's room because I let my tongue slip," I coo.

He immediately stops his actions, nearly dropping the beaker he was holding.

Turning to me slowly, his face pales and his arm muscles spasm a little. "You wouldn't dare…"

I lean back in my chair and laugh at him. "Aww, loosen up, Shuuhei. You know that it's a joke. I wouldn't even send Yammy to Unohana's office, even if he ate Starrk's right leg after mistaking it for a BBQ rib."

He visibly relaxes. "Don't joke around like that!" he scolds. "After what happened in ninth grade, I never wanna go back there again."

I smile as I recall how he and I made a list of girls with massive racks in freshmen year. We got caught by some Nanao chick, and soon found ourselves outside of Mrs. Unohana's office. Tragic day in the life of me, but still funny as hell.

I grin at him. "Heh, yeah, that was crazy."

Shuuhei gives me a small smirk, but as he turns to me, I see it disappear immediately.

I give him a questioning look, and he frowns at me. Well, it's more like he's looking through me, like he's examining my soul.

Is it weird that I feel naked?

"Grimm?"

"What?"

He gives me a once over and his eyebrows knit together in a concerned manner. "You okay? What's on your mind?"

I blank. God, he's good. Read me like a Playboy magazine.

I scratch the back of my head. "It's kinda complicated," I manage to say.

Shuuhei shoots me a worried look. "Did Aizen finally find out about the flagging incident in the first semester? Did I get caught too?"

I chuckle a little. "Nah, man. We're still under the radar."

"Under what radar?"

A white hand lands on Shuuhei's shoulder.

Enter: Ogichi Kurosaki. Scaring children for 15 golden years. Known by most as Shiro, due to his obsession with white clothing. Nickname has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his skin and hair are both ghostly white. Black sclera and gold irises, rather demon-like in appearance. Has a twin that look like a clone with a different color-scheme. The two are inseparable except for when they have different classes. According to the fairer sex, amazing with his tongue. Known for his incredible stealth and watery voice. Good at creepishly sneaking up on people. Is a freakin' badass.

I nod at the albino. "Aizen's. Shuu and I are in the clear for the flagging a while back."

He chuckles. "Heh, I remember that. You got Tousen, didn't you?"

Shuuhei grins. "Yup."

Shuuhei and Shiro start talking about something related to history, and I zone out a little. It's good that Shuuhei forgot about being concerned.

"-dude, he's such a killjoy. How do you stay awake?"

"I dunno man, personally, I respect him. His views on justice are really admirable."

"You sound like a chick. Or a nerd. Or a politician."

"Hey, I am not! I look hot in business suits; nerds don't."

"But politicians do."

"They sooo do not. All politicians are old and wrinkled, like they were left in the dryer for a few weeks."

"That simile sounded really gay."

"You sound gay for realizing that that was a simile."

"Fuck you."

"Gay."

I relax back into my seat.

Suddenly, Shuuhei turns on me. "Hey, Cat Man, don't think I've forgotten about you."

I feel a vein pop. Here we go with the cat jokes. That Halloween costume was a dare!

I merely growl at him a little.

"Spill, bro. I'm not letting you off the hook 'til ya do."

I scowl at him. "I'm not gonna say anything 'round loudmouth over there."

"Ne, so cruel, Kitty-Cat," Shiro pouts.

His frown is soon replaced by an intrigued grin. "Well, if ya don't want me hearin', then I'm curious. What could lil' Grimmy be hidin'?"

I feel my lower lip jut out. "Like fuck I'm telling you."

Shiro spaces out for a second, then pulls a Nnoitra-smile. "Hey, this wouldn't happen to be the same reason that you confronted Ulquicakes, would it?"

I blank. "Uh, err, well, it kinda, um, wait… Ulquicakes?"

The pale idiot shakes his finger at me. "Now, now, Grimmy, one topic at a time. We can talk about Ulqui-lala some other day. So it was the whole party thing, wasn't it?"

"What the hell? Ulquiorra, that bastard, he wasn't supposed to say anything-"

Shiro cuts me off. "He didn't. I was the next hallway down at my locker and I overheard you two. That's some juicy gossip, 'Jow. Ya shouldn't talk so loudly."

Shuuhei perks up. "Gossip? About the party with the firecrackers in the bathroom sink? Why, what happened? I was outside the whole time helping Izuru send Morse code signals to aliens from the fir tree."

Shiro wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. He flourished his hand in a fancy manner before beginning to speak. "Well, Grimmjow was-"

I sprint out of the classroom, albino in tow, and slam him against the lockers.

He yelps. "What the heck, man?"

"Dude, this CANNOT get out. You need to swear secrecy," I hiss.

He gives me a gutsy sneer. "And if I don't?"

I glare at him. "How would you like Ichigo to take a plunge into the Pacific Ocean?"

Shiro sticks his tongue out at me. "Point taken. Now let go, Kitty."

I drop him and head back inside. Then, realizing something, I snap around.

"Hey, don't call me that!" I roar.

"…uh, Shiro?"

He's gone. Stupid ninja, with his stupid ninjastic skills.

I give it up and walk back over to Shuuhei. He grins up at me.

"So… were you the one that got locked in the closet with Aaronierro?"

I give him a look.

He flicks my forehead, then continues to work. "Fine, be that way. But if something big did happen, you know that you can talk to me about it, right?"

I sigh, and give him a legit smile. For a boob-crazy dickhead, Shuuhei's a great friend. "Yeah, I know."

He turns to face me again, his face much more content than before. "Well then, let's get to work! We have a lot of things to blow up today!" he beams.


	5. Shopping Like a Boss

After various explosions, a few near-death experiences, and serious brain trauma for Mr. Mayuri, the bell finally rings and I sprint out of the chem lab, weaving through the throng of students trying to shove their way out to the streets.

Breaking into the open and filling my lungs with beautiful, natural air, I nearly skip over to the place that I always meet my group in after school. It's a shaded little spot by a half wall under a maple tree, near the intersection of roads outside the Biology window.

I see Nnoitra waving me over. Starrk is already there, and I turn around to see Halibel wave goodbye to three of her friends and head towards us. I'm about to give Nnoitra a casual punch in the face when I hear something rather akin to a mob.

Tia reaches us, and we all turn to see a riot of girls spill out of the building, apparently gushing over something. Upon further examination, I realize that the object of their interest is a familiar raven-haired boy in the center. I also realize that there are also various males making up his posse of admirers.

A foreign feeling pools in my chest. Watching the pale brat surrounded by those whores; it pisses me off.

Halibel eyes me. "Grimmjow, you're staring down Ulquiorra pretty hard. Are you that jealous?"

I feel… jealous? Could that be it? Grimmjow Jaegerjaques does NOT get jealous.

"Tch, no way," I scoff.

Nnoitra smirks at me. "He's not jealous of Ulquiorra, Hali. He's jealous of all the kids that get to be around him and bask in his sexiness. Grimmy here wants some Ulqui-action too," he laughs.

I feel my face heat up. "Fuck you," I growl as I flip him the bird. No way in hell would I ever be jealous of that.

Seeing me, Ulquiorra starts walking in our direction. I can see that he's with Tesla and Momo, two other sophomores.

He waves the two off, and together they work to try and control his followers.

Many squeals and proclamations of undying love later, Ulquiorra makes it to me.

"Okay Grimmjow, so I've been thinking about it, and I've decided that if the one you want to shut up is male, the best way may be through intimidation, and with females, you can act like a man-whore and they should be won over," he states calmly. "This should work, but it really varies by person."

Halibel pokes my shoulder. "So, Grimmjow, I see you got professional help." She stares at Ulquiorra for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

Starrk narrows his eyes a little. "I'm still here, Hali. Swoon over him when you're alone and I can't see you."

Ulquiorra rolls his eyes at the pair. "Anyways, I've decided that I also want you to run some errands for me," he informs me.

I back up and raise my hands in a defensive manner. "Hey, hey, hey, we never agreed to anything like this!"

He wears a bored expression. "Grimmjow, you trusted me with your secret. You should have expected at least a little blackmailing."

This bitch. The whole fuckin' world is out to get me.

I shake my head tiredly. "Fine, now what the hell do you want?"

He hands me a slip of paper. "Buy these, and drop them off at the English room first thing tomorrow."

With that, he waltzed away, and was immediately attacked by chicks. I saw Nel reach in and pluck him out from the corner of my eye. She then proceeded to drag him to the stores by the corner, chatting with him about something or another. I feel the feeling come back. Ugh, I feel so gross. Jealousy? What's that supposed to mean? Ooh, look a butterfly…

While I'm busy tracking the flying insect, Nnoitra leans over and steals the paper out of my hands.

I try to make a grab for it, but he holds it above his head as I jump for it like a kindergartner trying to get their lunch money back from an evil fifth grader. "What the fuck, Spoon? Give it here!"

He leers down at me. "Nah, I don't think I will. Let's see what Emo Boy wants you ta buy…"

He opens the note. It looks kinda like he's having trouble reading. Dumbass.

While he's distracted, Halibel gracefully knees his stomach and collects the paper as he bites the dust.

She drops it in my open palms. "I suggest you go buy whatever he wants now. He will carry out any threat he makes, you know. And if your life gets ruined, you'll end up crying to us, so help yourself out and do what Ulquiorra says," the blonde advises.

I smile gratefully, not realizing the hidden insult. "Thanks, Tia," I call out as I sprint to the shopping district.

As the wind whips at my face, I unfold the note.

'Grimmjow, I'll make this short and to the point so that your puny brain can understand it. Buy the following products from the stores I list:

Duct Tape-Any craft store

Children's cold medicine, preferably Tylenol-CVS

Peaches-Any available stores/stands

Line Stylist Eyeliner-Maybelline

Lip Balm-CVS

Bring it in tomorrow. I'll be in Tousen's classroom.

I raise a brow. Eyeliner? That better be for his mom. Well, it would explain why his eyes always look so pretty.

Wait, pretty? Eh, fuck, why not? Dudes are allowed to think that other dudes have nice eyes. Sure, his eyes are pretty, but not sexy like mine. 'Cause I'm a fucking sex god.

Still musing about how extravagantly hot I am, I race past a fruit stand and pick up a good amount of the juiciest peaches I see.

I chance upon CVS then, and stop by to pick up the lip balm, grape Tylenol, and some bright purple duct tape. Screw craft stores, I'm goddamn efficient when I work.

Breezing through the crowds, I check the list for the last item. Eyeliner. Delicious.

Maybelline is in the chick section of the block, with stores like Pink, Abercrombie, Papaya, and Victoria's Secret. I like the bra stores best, but I always get kicked out when I go with my little brother and make him try on bras.

Turning into the Maybelline, I bump into some idiot.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" yells a familiar voice.

Looking up, I see a mop of orange.

Enter: Ichigo Kurosaki. Walked the Earth for 15 years. As previously mentioned, looks like a colored version of Shiro, his twin, and is nearly always with him. Bright orange hair adorns a tanned face. Soft brown eyes can flash powerful looks, despite their naturally calming appearance. Extremely hot-tempered, and when he gets into fights, he usually wins. Often plays 'big brother' to many people. Is one of Ulquiorra's closest friends, and only a little less protective of him than Nel is. We have a friendly little continuous rivalry; in other words, we constantly beat the crap out of each other in a nice manner.

I sport a shocked expression when I recognize Berry, which he immediately mirrors.

We stand in awkward silence for what seems like hours.

Finally, I get bored of it. "So Berry… whatcha doin' in a make-up store?" I inquire, trying to kill the silence.

He frowns at me. "None of your business. Why are you here?" he shoots back.

"Hey, I asked you first!" I argue.

He shakes his head in an annoyed way. "Forget I asked; just move so I can get through."

I stand my ground and cross my arms. "Like fuck am I moving. Come on, spill! What did ya buy? Who did ya buy it for?"

While he glares at me, I snatch the bag of cosmetics off of his arm.

"Hey!" he cries out as I hold him back while he makes wild grabs for the bag.

I sift through the products. "Volumizing shampoo, clear nail polish, hand mirror, and foundation? This seems like strange stuff for a girl; girls like colorful nail polish. And I doubt that Shiro's skin color is-"

I pause and read the foundation label.

"-Cream Beige."

He retrieves the bag and huffs. "Well, if you must know, nice hair takes nice shampoo. And clear nail polish reinforces my nails. Mirrors help with precision, and a tan is hard to maintain, so foundation helps out. It's hard to look hot all the time like I do," he monologues. He sounds like I'm annoying him. Ha, loser.

He side steps me as he tries to leave, only to be blocked and dragged into the store by yours truly.

"What the heck, man? Yuzu will be angry if I get home a minute later than I told her!" the red-headed teen protests.

"Eh, she'll understand. Right now, ya gotta help me find some fancy eyeliner shit," I inform him.

Upon hearing this, Ichigo gave me a weird look. "Eyeliner? You? Do you even know how to use eyeliner?"

"Of course I do!" I snort contemptibly. "Ya just-" I wave my fingers around, tracing eye shapes "-ya know?"

He stares at me. I stare back. Then he grabs my arm and pulls me into the store.

"You're such a dipshit, Grimmjow," he mutters.

He dumps me off next to a massive stand of pencils.

"This is the eyeliner. Get what you want. Personally, I think that aqua green would suit you well," he states as he examines my face.

I roll my eyes at him. "It's not for me, fucktard. I have to go shopping for Ulquiorra."

Ichigo immediately snaps to attention at the name. "Ulqui? Why would he ask you?" he inquires warily.

I sigh. Here we go again with the questions. "Well, I had this accident, and he's helping me out…"

Ichigo narrows his eyes at me. "What kind of accident, and why did you go to Ulquiorra instead of someone else?"

"It was kind of a communication error, and I need some help shutting certain people up, and… Hey, why am I even bothering answering these retarded questions?" I fluster as I try to change the topic. Ichigo gets the wrong idea.

He corners me behind the eye shadow section within milliseconds. He starts growling at me, "I swear, if you do anything to Ulquiorra-"

"-Why the fuck does everyone think that I'm gonna hurt Ulquiorra?" I cry out. "He's not a fuckin' teacup, he won't break if I drop him! Why would I want to hurt the bastard? He's. FUCKIN'. HELPING. ME," I hiss out.

Ichigo's eyes go a little softer, but he's still cautious as he continues. "Well, if you are shopping for Ulqui, get the midnight black; it's his personal favorite, but I think that the jade suits him. It brings out his eyes. Buy both," Ichigo advises.

"Fine," I mumble. "By the way, how the hell do you know so much about makeup?"

Ichigo rolls his eyes at me. "Shiro and I have two younger sisters, and they're just starting to get into all this stuff. Trust me."

"Tch," I scoff as we head over to the register.

"Anyways," Ichigo starts, "how are you and Ulquiorra getting along? I mean, I thought that you two hated each other."

I look over at him as I pass the products over to the lady at the counter. "Well, I need his info services, and he wants my help with a little chick problem."

Ichigo gives me a confused look. "Chick problem? I wasn't aware that Ulquiorra liked anyone at the moment."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Neither did I, but when we were outside Aizen's office, Orihime came out and he got all flustered and shit." I grin at the memory. "He was blushing so hard, it was hilarious."

Ichigo gets this thoughtful look, then an alarmed shock ran through his features. He quickly recovered and pulled an inquisitive face. "Grimmjow, what exactly did you promise him in return for his help?"

I think back to my exact words after fourth period.

"Uh, it was something about helping him hook up with Orihime," I state as the woman hands me my bag.

"Well, see ya later, Berry!" I call out as I sprint out of the store. Mom's gonna kill me for being late.

"Wait, Grimmjow, there's something that I have to-" His voice fades out as I fly down the streets in the late afternoon light. Eh, it probably wasn't all that important anyways.

I continue to crash through the crowds. I love running. It's fuckin' awesome to have the wind whipping through my hair, the world a blur around me. I'm unstoppable. Invincible. I am god.

Well, until I get home. Then Mom takes over.

I see our humble abode come into view. Well, not so humble. It's actually pretty cool. Ah, fuck it, my house is the shit. We have this sick huge ass front lawn, with a few trees great for climbing, and even more out back. I stumble through our shining double glass doors, slip past the stairs on the left, and jog into the family room on the right where I dump off my stuff. I walk back into the main hallway, heading deeper into the house, passing the hall closet and ignoring Dad's study. I get to the end of the hall and take the doorway leading into kitchen.

"Hey Mom," I call out to my mother, who is currently perched precariously on a chair trying to reach a can of tuna on the top shelf. I guess that I inherit my cat-like traits from her.

Enter: Yoruichi Shihoin. Age? Women never reveal it. Jagged cut bright purple hair is often tied back into a ponytail. Sweet mocha skin brings out her piercing golden eyes. Kept her maiden name because she thought that my dad's sounded weird with her first name. Well built for a woman, extremely flexible. Yoga master. Martial arts master. Kendo master. Mindfuck master. Cooking master. Master at just about everything else, too. I look nothing like her, but our personalities are nearly identical. I know that it sounds cheesy, but my mom is my role model. I really love her, she's so awesome. Most of the time.

"Hey, Grimm Boy, be a dear and get the goddamn tuna off the fucking shelf," she trills out in a happy manner.

I grin. "Sure thing."

After retrieving her precious seafood, Yoruichi gives me a once over. "How was school?" she sings.

"Lame, like always," I drone out.

"What, so you didn't destroy anything today?" a teasing tone questions.

I turn to see my white-headed little brother slip into the room and make a grab for the watermelon.

Enter: Toshiro Hitsugaya. Joined the family thirteen years ago. Spiked up snowy hair match his teal eyes. Rather short and light for his age, yet nice and strong like me. Despite his tendency to look down on and be cold to others, he and I get along rather well. I like to think that he looks up to me. I really do care for the little guy deep down, but he's a master at ticking me off. The kid's a freakin' genius, and managed to skip a grade, bumping him up to ninth grade a bit early. Due to my excessive tutoring, no doubt.

I stick my tongue out at him. "Bastard," I mock.

Yoruichi turns around and glares. "Language, Grimm."

"Tch, fine. Hijo de puta," I fire at Toshiro as he attacks the fruit.

"Oi!" Yorichi yells at me, eyes flashing.

"Oops, sorry mom. Just puto then," I say as I shrug.

"Good."

Toshiro pauses his rabid watermelon devouring to give our mom an evil glare. "Hey, I am not a whore!"

I scoff. "Ha! Then why do you hang around so many girls? You're a fuckin' fag then!"

"Fuck off, bastard!"

"LANGUAGE, BOYS!" Mom yells.

"¡Tonto!" he yells.

"¡Maricón!" I fire back.

"¡Bastardo!"

"¡Cabrón!"

"¡Pendejo!"

"¡Cara mierda!"

"¡Culo!"

"Ha!¡ Besa el culo!"

"¡CALLATE!"

"Alright, alright, you can stop now, dearies. Your Spanish skills seem to be coming along just fine," Yoruichi trilled.

Toshiro brushed it off. "Yeah, yeah."

I saunter over and ruffle his hair. "Good to see yer as angry as ever, bro," I tease.

He scoffs. "Same goes for you."

I smirk, then exit the kitchen and scale the stairs. It's been a long day. Time for a nice nap, maybe, one- no two-, err, seven hours long? Yeah, that seems nice. Snowball will just dump ice down my shirt when dinner's ready, anyways.

Let's dream about boobies now. I wonder, do guys have boobies? I mean, they make man-bras. And dudes can get breast cancer, so I guess they do. Aww man, now I'm gonna go to sleep thinking about man titties. I wonder if Ulquiorra has boobies… heh, if he did, he would look exactly like a girl. Mmm, girl-Ulquiorra is actually pretty hot. Not as hot as me, though. But, he/she would still have a cock…

…Dammit. Going to bed thinking about Ulquiorra's junk is not high on my priority list. FIGHT THE SLEEP, just fight it off…

Until…

You think…

Of some…

Other…

To- *yawn* -pic…

And…

Then…

You…

Can…

Mmm, Ulqui boobies.

* * *

><p><strong>Translation of Grimm and Toshi's convo:<strong>

**_UPDATE okay so actually I have no idea if these are legit curses or not so I updated them and they should be a bit more accurate now because i am in no way a fluent spanish speaker i just pick stuff up from relatives so yeah_  
><strong>

**Oh, and hijo de puta means son of a bitch, and puto means man whore.**

**Well, I hope you guys thought it was okay. Review and tell me anything you wanna see happen between the characters. I can't guarantee that I'll use it,  
>but new ideas are always welcome. I may also bring up your suggestion in later chapters.<strong>

**Remember, no idea is stupid! Especially when you think like I do! In comparison, you're all freakin' prodigies!  
><strong>

_**UPDATE nahh who am i kidding im amazing. littler me just didnt understand the incomprehensible brilliance of our ideas**_


	6. Quality Family Time

_**UPDATE okay wow I made some really stupid sounding comments when I started writing this**_

_**actually I'm gonna go back to all the other chapters and delete those**_

_**I apologize if any of you lost a substantial amount of brain cells from reading this**_

* * *

><p>It's dark. I can't see.<p>

"Hello?" I call out. I can tell that I'm sitting in a chair or something. It has nice back support.

Suddenly, sunlight floods into what I know distinguish as a bedroom after curtains are haplessly flung open.

I twist around to see none other than Ulquiorra Cifer opening my curtains for me. And no, that is in no way any sexual reference. Get your mind out of the gutter, sikko.

"Ulquiorra?" I ask in a questioning tone as he begins to walk towards me.

He's changing. Suddenly, his white button-up shirt is open and flying around him like it's insanely windy.

His hair is being swept away from his shining jade eyes by the same random wind exposing his toned torso.

His pants… are no longer present. Lulz.

Black silk boxers are now the only thing between his package and the air. Oh dear god.

I gulp a little. "Uh… You okay there, buddy?" I laugh anxiously.

He looks at me through hazy eyes, inching closer and closer.

"No, I don't think so. Can you check my temperature?" he asks breathily, now barely three inches from my face. "Grimmjow," he adds on, rolling the R sensually.

I can feel my little buddy poking at my thigh. Fuck. This is a really bad time to start questioning my heterosexuality.

"Uh, hehe, yeah, I would, ya see, but I'm having this problem with my, uh…" I fluster, scrambling for an excuse.

"My finger!" I manage. "I have this really bad burn, and if I touch any skin at all, it'll just, um, die. No one wants a dead finger," I inform him, displaying my 'burnt' finger.

"Mmm," he hums in a concerned manner. "Maybe I can fix it for you," he drawls out.

And then he took my finger.

And put it in his mouth.

And starting sucking on it.

Holy.

FUCK.

"Ulquiorra..." I whimper out. I honestly have no idea what to do. I mean, first of all, if my finger really would die if it touched anything, he would have killed my finger. How mean of him.

But aside from that, ULQUIORRA FUCKING CIFER WAS COMING ON TO ME AND OMG ASDFGHJKL.

He casts a glance up at me from his crouching position, still suckling on my digit.

He gently takes my other hand and rests it on his bared chest.

Then I suddenly realize something.

It seems like he realizes it too.

"See?" he asks. Then he smirks evilly. "No boobies."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I scream, waking up from my nap.

I trip over the covers and face plant on the floor in my desperate efforts to dash to the bathroom and drown myself.

Nope I am not gay I swear that dream was just some weird projection of discarded thoughts like anyone else but me can be gay Toshiro can be gay Nnoitra can be gay Dad can be gay just not me oh god and not for Ulquiorra and his lack of boobs I mean it's good that he doesn't have boobs because he's a guy but goddammit I'm going to cry this sucks ass shit no I'm not actually gonna cry wtf all these GODDAMN BLANKETS WHY AM I NOT DROWNING YET

Some point during my battle with the blankets, Ice Cube comes in and stares at me in amusement.

"Hey, Catnip, you sound like an army decided to take a stroll through the upper level. Mom thought you contacted a brothel and hosted a stripping party," he states lazily.

I puff out my cheeks at him. "Well then tell her that the strippers all complimented my sexiness and that she's gonna have to cook for thirty-seven prostitutes in addition to us."

Toshiro glances over at me with a bored expression. "Yeah, no problem," he says.

His face suddenly takes on a slightly pervy expression. "Who were you dreaming about, Grimm?" he leers.

I feel the blood rush to my face. "Uh, no one!" I sputter.

He raises an eyebrow. "No one? That's not the name I heard you moaning out," he looks up at the ceiling as he contemplates what he heard. "It sounded like Ukulele. You were really getting into it. It was kinda weird."

"What was weird? Who was moaning? Is Grimmy a full-fledged man now?" sings an annoyingly familiar voice.

My fears are confirmed as a crazy blonde mess pokes his head through my bedroom door.

The man pouts. "Why didn't you tell me you were gonna screw something, son? I know the best condom brands ever!"

Enter: Kisuke Urahara. My father. If you can call the person who tries to get his male child to model for his specialized line of women's lingerie fatherly. Messy blonde hair with hazy gray eyes contributes to his constant laid-back, on the verge of lazy expression. Loves his green striped hat almost more than he loves Mom. Acts all apathetic and shit, but is a huge pervert once you get to know him, and has a carefree, happy attitude. Despite his happy-go-lucky forefront, he is extremely observant and intelligent. Can be very good at giving serious advice, but always ruins the moment with some idiotic joke about penises or boobies.

Kisuke dances over to my little brother and hugs him, pinching his cheek as well.

"Hey there, Frosty, how did your day at school go? Get good grades? Make new friends? Meet new girls?" he coos.

"Or boys," he adds as an afterthought.

I see a vein pop on the little guy's forehead. "School was fine, Dad. Get off," he growls.

Dad feigns hurt. "Ne, so mean, Icicle! If you don't wanna talk about your day, tell me about what Kitty Cat was doing!" he offers.

I snap around and lunge at Toshiro to shut him up, but the blankets decide to make a comeback.

I kiss the floor again.

I feel a small butt plant itself on my back and lean back casually. Stupid Toshiro.

"Well," he starts off, "I'm coming upstairs to get Grimmjow for dinner, 'cause Mom sent me up, and then I hear this ridiculous moaning. I'm confused, because Grimm didn't bring anyone home with him, and he doesn't moan when he jacks off."

I squirm under him. "Hey, how do you know that? Freak…" I grumble.

"Well, I know when you have your 'private time.' How do you think the place gets cleaned before anyone else sees?" he educates me.

"…Oh. Thanks, I guess?"

Toshiro closes his eyes and folds his arms. "Anyways, I'm up here, and Grimm is apparently having a wet dream. Like, a REALLY wet dream. The type that you can practically hear from a block away."

That little shit is exaggerating this a million times over.

Dad sits on my bed, slings one leg over the other, hunches over, and cups his chin in a contemplating manner. "I see, I see…" he says.

"He sounded like this!" Toshiro perks up as he says this, then proceeds to fling himself onto the floor.

Splaying his arms around him, he scrunches his eyes up and makes this erotic face.

"Ulquioooooooooraaaaaaaaa~" he moans. "Mmmm, Ulqui…"

I freeze.

What the hell! He's doing this in front of Dad! And I SO do NOT sound like that.

Toshiro writhes on the floor. "Ah, yeah, right there… Mmmm!" he goes again.

I spare Kisuke a glance. He pulled out his annoying little fan, and is now doing a bad job at hiding his retarded grin behind the folds.

Toshiro cracks open his eyes a little and stares at me evilly. "Okay Ulqui, now go ahead and grab my-"

He is cut off as I nearly shove my fist down his throat. The blankets finally decided to back off. Assholes.

"Eh hehe, well Dad, I'll just be taking little Jack Frost here to the bathroom to wash his hands. Wouldn't want any germies gettin' in his food at dinner!" I say, feigning calmness.

I then drag Toshiro out of the room, one arm looped around his neck, one fist encased in his mouth, preventing any coherent speech.

"Rimm, leh meh de fuh go!" he yelled at me through my hand.

"Shh, hush hush, Icy. We still need to wash your hands," I hum as I stroke his jagged white spikes.

He cries out in pain. Okay, so maybe I pulled his hair as I petted it. Just a little bit.

When we're in the bathroom, I remove my fist from his mouth ever so gracefully.

I muster up all the anger I can, drawing upon the fires of hell that Nel uses all the time, and shoot him the meanest look I can.

He's unfazed. Stupid brother, with his stupid Ulquiorra-like facial expressions.

"Why the fuck would you do that?" I hiss.

"Because it's fun to see you blow up," he sneers.

I feel something crack.

Oh god, it's happening again.

My left eye starts twitching, rather like Byakuya's. My chest muscles get antsy. Every hair on my body is electrified.

Toshiro notices all these things. His eyes widen substantially. "Uh, Grimm, you know I was joking, right?" he stammers. He backs up a little. But it's too late now.

My head snaps up, casting creepy shadows over my face so that I'm staring down at him through one bloodshot eye. My spazzing arms lock down by my sides, but my hands continuously flex and unflex. My back stiffens. Here it comes.

"MOM!" I hear my little brother scream as my eyes bug out and I throw my head back, finally releasing my taut jaw.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"

"-CCCCKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

"GOD DAMMIT, GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

"GAHH! LET GO OF MY NECK!"

He gropes at the hands surrounding his windpipe. He glares daggers at me. "Heh, is this what you do to Ulquiorra whenever he refuses to suck you off?" he mocks.

I feel half of my arteries burst. Hulk mode-ON.

"RAAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEE!"

He screams again. Lol.

Just then, Mom breaks into the bathroom, wearing goggles, some armor that she got from who-knows-where, and clutching an ancient Japanese ceremonial sword in her right hand.

She points the sword at my throat. "Let go, Grimm," she whispers dangerously.

I feel the madness fade. The blood collected in my face returns to all the normal areas. My arteries piece themselves back together somehow.

I drop my little brother, who lands butt-first in the bathtub.

Kisuke decides to pop in then. "Ne, Grimmy, so violent!" he hums.

After laughing at the situation for a while, Dad walks into the bathroom, pinches my cheek, throws Toshiro over his shoulder, and spins Yoruichi around, leading the way back to the dining room.

He sure knows how to get a situation under control. I haven't had a violent outbreak since… um… second period today. That's five hours longer than usual.

Why is my family so weird? I mean, we don't even look alike. How does blonde and purple equal aqua and white? Makes no fucking sense at all.

Well, time to go fill up on fat. I'll think about this later. Or not. Thinking is such a drag.


	7. Space Invaders Rape Absolutely Everyone

**Disregard the chapter title; it means nothing. I was just really bored.**

* * *

><p>It's a nice day. The sun's already up and shining. There are just enough clouds to provide some protection from the evil UV rays of hell. It's not too hot for a day in late spring, and the pollen seems to have settled a bit.<p>

To bring the picture together, there's a sexy beast walking down the sidewalk, making everything around him sixty percent sexier.

Does this gorgeous bastard have a name? Of course he does, dipshit.

Grimmjow Jaegerjaques strode down the street in all his sexy glory. That is to say, I walked down the street in all my sexy glory.

'Cause I'm him. It's a good day to be Grimmjow. Well, every day is a good day when you're this hot.

Two figures flank me as I ponder my level of sexiness.

"Hey Grimmkitty!" greets Shiro.

"Sup, faggot?" snickers Ichigo.

I scoff at them both. "First off, I'm not a fucking cat! Next, you're such a damn hypocrite, Berry. I'm not the one who knows eyeliner like I know my own junk."

Shiro giggles in an idiotic manner. "Heh, the only reason that you'd be so well acquainted with your crotch is because you're the only one who ever touches i-"

I cut him off with a fist to the face.

"Shove it."

Ichigo pulls us back on topic. "I told you! I only know about make-up because Yuzu is constantly chatting me up about it!" he defends.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I say as I wave it off.

We're getting closer to school now. About one block away, I see another group of students headed in the direction that we are.

I squint my eyes for a closer look.

"I think that I see some of the middle schoolers over there," I inform them.

Shiro looks over at the group, then laughs.

"You idiot, they're in our grade, they're just kinda short! It's Momo, and, isn't that your little brother? He's in ninth, but he's still chill enough to hang with the big kids. There's also… Oh hey, it's Renji. He's not short, asshole, and in no way does he look like a middle schooler with all those fucking tattoos. But the girl with him… Hey, isn't that Rukia Kuchiki?"

Ichigo snaps to attention. "Who?" he piqued.

I'm rather confused as Shiro grins from ear to ear. "Heh, almost forgot about your little problem with the midget," he teases.

"What problem? Who's the midget? Why don't I know any of this?" I say indignantly.

The pale teen stops pestering his blushing twin to give me a blank stare. "Seriously man? I thought that you started hanging around Ulquiorra. He's a fucking info MACHINE. That, and the fact that Ichigo and I are two of his closest friends means that he knows just about everything that goes on in our lives. Which would be really creepy, except we know just about everything in his life too, so it's even," Shiro states.

"Uh…" I feel really dim right now. Whoa, look, a cloud. It looks kinda like a penis. Hehehe…

I'm distracted by the fascinating dick-cloud for about two more minutes. When I finally snap out of it and look around, the twins are gone. Cunts.

I check my totally awesome Catwoman watch. Hello there, beautiful. Would you be so kind as to inform me of the current time?

Her longer arm is nearly at the twelve.

Damn, I'm gonna be late.

I break into a run. It's nice to be physically superior to everyone I've ever met. I make it to the building in record breaking time.

Now just to make it to the math room before that silver-haired idiot of a teacher marks me down as abse-

I hit the floor. I just love running into people, don't I? I think that I've developed a fetish. Kinky.

"So, who had the honor of getting a good feel at the muscled abs of Grimmjow Jaegerjaques this fine morning?" I mock.

I look down and am immediately met with a piercing emerald gaze.

Aww, fuck.

"For your information, Jaegerjaques, I don't think that running into you qualifies as feeling you up," Ulquiorra spits out. He looks pretty pissed, but…

..It's kinda cute. His cheeks are kinda flushed from the fall and he's pouting in an Ulquiorra-like way. Which doesn't really make sense, seeing as Ulquiorra never really pouts. Or smiles. Or does anything else relating to feelings and/or emotions. But when he does, GOD, I just wanna-

-wait, NO. BAD GRIMMJOW. BAD GRIMM. DON'T THINK LIKE THAT. THAT'S FUCKING GROSS. HE'S ULQUIORRA FUCKING CIFER. YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING OF THAT NATURE TO HIM, PAST, PRESENT, OR FUTURE. 'CAUSE IT'S GROSS AND HE'S ULQUIORRA.

Okay, I'm done lecturing myself.

I decide to play it up like I knew it was him all along. 'Cause I'm a fucking pro.

"Well, if that didn't qualify, why don't you have a go at it now?" I leer. God, that didn't come out right. I feel like Nnoitra.

He simply glares at me. "In your dreams, trash," he growls.

If only he knew just how right he was.

He takes a quick look at a conveniently placed hall clock, glances over at me one more time disapprovingly, and dashes to his first period class.

I slowly gather myself up off of the floor and flounder to Ichimaru's classroom.

God, what the hell am I thinking, pulling something like that with Ulquiorra? Why the hell would I even think like that? It's damn gross. On top of that, now he thinks I'm some wacked out pervert. Which isn't too far off from the truth, but whatever. Will he even want to keep helping me now? He better. I still have that Orihime thing over his pretty little head.

As soon as my thoughts wander to the redheaded girl, my gut drops a little.

Why did that happen? Since when do I hate Inoue? Eh, whatever, contemplating feelings are for wusses. Time to be a man, Grimmjow. Now go into that classroom and rock out with your cock out.

I stomp into the classroom just as the bell rings. Everyone turns and looks at me, some giggling.

It must be my undeniable sexiness. Fuck yeah.

Or it could be the fact that my shirt is completely unbuttoned. Never really buttoned it this morning. Too busy being awesome.

That might have been the reason Ulquiorra was more annoyed than he should have been.

Ha, sucker.

I cruise through the crowd of fawning chicks (and some dudes too), working my way over to my seat near the back.

I see a pineapple-looking thing pop out from under a desk.

What the fuck?

Oh wait, that's a person.

Enter: Renji Abarai. The same age as about every damn kid in this story. Which is to say he's 16. His bright tomato red hair is always tied up in a retarded ponytail that spikes around everywhere. Well, maybe it's not THAT stupid. But it's not like I admire it or anything. Far from it. I merely, uh, ACCEPT it. So… OK FINE I THINK THAT IT'S REALLY COOL, THERE, HAPPY? Uh, disregard the previous statements. ANYWAYS. I'm pretty sure that his eyes are brown, or red or something. His irises are so tiny that I can barely tell. Has a crapload of fucking badass tattoos that seem to cover his entire fucking body. Is buddies with the Kurosakis, Rukia Kuchiki, and Shuuhei's whole crowd. Gets along with me pretty well. Probably because we're both considered idiotic douche bags.

"Oi, Abarai, what the hell are you doing down there?" I call out.

"Eh?" His face pops up from under the desk.

"Oh, hey Grimmjow. I dropped my laser pointer, and now I can't find it anywhere," he explains.

I raise a brow. "Why do you have a laser pointer?"

He pauses his search and stops to think about it. "Uh…"

I give him a blank stare as he looks around stupidly.

After a while, he shrugs. "I dunno. I guess that they're just kinda fun to mess around with."

His face rapidly lights up as he discovers the device by some girl's shoe. "Ah ha- Ow! Hey, quit it! I wasn't loo-"

"FREAKING PERV!"

Renji cowers with his head buried in his arms as the girl repeatedly stomps him into the ground for allegedly looking under her skirt.

"Dude, you suck," I state lazily as he gets up scowling and massaging the back of his head.

"And how the heck do you have fun with a-" I freeze.

There's this weird red dot on the ceiling. I know I shouldn't be concerned, but it's so…

…interesting.

"What the…" I trail off, and the dot moves a few feet to the left.

I jerk my head in pursuit, following the speck as closely as bitches follow a pimp.

It suddenly flies down the wall and lands on the floor, about a meter away from me in between the rows of desks. I stare at it intently. Some strange predatory instinct lurking within me tenses up my muscles.

The dot jiggles a little.

"GOT YA, BITCHASS!" I scream as I pounce with full intent of catching the intriguing red fleck.

I flatten it with my hands and feel an evil grin creep onto my face. "That's how I roll, motherfucker."

I release my deathgrip on the floor just to discover that it's not there. I rear back in rage.

Scanning the room for my tiny crimson foe, I spot a disturbance by the teacher's desk.

"I WILL END YOU!"

And then I crash into the conveniently place stack of textbooks by the door. Ow.

I hear the room erupt in laughter.

I spin around to see Renji smirking down at me from the opposite end of the room, laser pointer in hand.

Oh, I get it.

Flipping him off, I make my way back to my seat as dignified as I can after nearly taking a dive into the recycling bin.

"See man? Gotta enjoy the simple things in life," he muses.

"Yeah, whatever. Anyways, we gotta talk. You remember that party a while ago with the burning coals on the ground that people kept daring each other to dance on?"

He breaks out into a massive smile. "Damn straight I remember that! I was the one who filled the pool with the purple dye and turned all those seniors into friggin' grapes!" he informs me proudly.

I grin at that, clapping him on the back. "Sick job, my man! That was fuckin' genius."

After exchanging a few more memories of the night, I calm myself down and address him on a more serious note.

"Well, anyways, you were inside the house most of the time, right?"

"Damn straight. That's where all the chicks were," he responds smugly.

"Well, anyways, I know that a bunch of these people saw something that they shouldn't have, and I need a list of names," I tell him.

He looks at me thoughtfully. "Yeah, I can make you a list, but what was so bad that you did that you feel the need to go and hide it? We all did pretty stupid stuff at that party. I heard that Chad accidentally locked Uryu in the bathroom, so Uryu climbed out through the window and slid down the drain pipe. Unfortunately, some seniors were having some sexy time down at the bottom and didn't appreciate his intrusion."

My heart drops. I was hoping that I wouldn't have to tell him what I did. Hopefully, I can just skirt around it and make him forget.

"Well, I was in this little incident involving some articles of clothing, hair accessories, another person, and a coffee table-"

"That was YOU on the table kissing someone?" he exclaimed, incredulous.

I slam my hand down on his mouth. God fucking dammit.

"Shut up, I don't want anyone else knowing," I hiss.

He slaps my hand away and stares up at me, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"You guys were really going at it. There was drool all over the table by the time you two were done," he giggles.

I hide my face in my arms. "Damn, that sounds really hot, but really gross at the same time."

"So who's the lucky bitch?" Renji questions.

"That's just it," I reply mournfully. "I'm pretty sure that this lucky bitch was actually a lucky bastard."

The redhead's eyes go wide. "Oh fuck, if that gets out…"

I feel like tearing my bladder out and smacking myself with it. "My social life will be fucked. Not just any type of fucked either! I mean like, brutally gangbanged by fucking tentacle aliens. With candle and whip fetishes."

"Well bro, I'll give you the list after this period. It's not like Ichimaru teaches any math anyways. He's probably watching porn."

"Gay porn," I comment.

"That seems pretty accurate," he finishes.

He jumps off of the desk he was sitting on and makes his way to the desk a few to the right of mine.

Before he sits down, he turns back to me. "Hey, Grimm!"

"What is it, asshole?"

"I was thinking about it for a while, and the whole tentacle-alien gangbang thing would actually be pretty hot."

"They have candles and whips too," I remind him.

He suddenly grins at me and plops down in his seat.

As I turn my head away, I hear him curse.

I turn back to him. "What's with you?"

"I just sat on my boner."

"…"

I lay my head down on my desk for a nice nap when I hear Ichimaru begin to speak.

"Okay students, just find some math problems and do them. If anyone is getting raped or murdered, I'll be up at the front sitting at my desk. And remember- stay protected! Safe sex is good sex. The best way to have sex is to get a-"

I drift off. Just another typical lesson from Mr. Ichimaru.

I think that I'll dream about ice cream. Yeah, ice cream is good.

But vanilla ice cream kinda looks like…

…Hehe.


	8. This chapter haz no name cuz im lazy

God, these names are really hard to read. Renji should brush up on his handwriting. And spelling. And just about everything else.

I squint down at the names again.

* * *

><p><strong>Grimjowws "Too-Kill" Liste<strong>  
><strong>Bye: Renji the Great :D<strong>

**Sheenji Hirako with the smile like Nnoitra's "IMA GROPE YOO NOW" face**  
><strong>That lesbo chick<strong>  
><strong>Orihime Boobalicious Inoue<strong>  
><strong>The junior hottie that Shuu likes<strong>  
><strong>Some tiger-guy witth a braid named Gigi<strong>  
><strong>The tiger-guy's cosin who is the most ridiculously gay dude ive ever scene<strong>  
><strong>Looppi (the tranny)<strong>  
><strong>The stoner dude with some funny name like Zomurphy<strong>  
><strong>The girl that digs your mom who beat me up once named Soy Sauce or something<strong>  
><strong>Halli's three bitch faces.<strong>  
><strong>Yylfordt, the dude with nice hair that I hate<strong>

**PS You better give me a Pop Tart for this or sumthing**

* * *

><p>This guy never ceases to amaze me.<p>

I shove the crappy yet important paper into my back pocket and stretch my arms up over my head.

I guess I better go find out what Ulquiorra thinks that I should do now that I know who I have to murde- uh, I mean persuade to keep quiet.

As I cruise down the hallway in the general direction of Ulquiorra's locker, I remember our awkward little incident before first period.

I feel the blood rush to my cheeks. Dammit, now I'm blushing like some lovestruck whore watching The Notebook.

Which was a really good movie, by the way.

I yawn as I turn a corner. I hope that he doesn't take the whole thing too personally. I mean, sure, I was kinda half-naked, and I did kinda come onto him, but at least I didn't cup-check him or anything. In my defense, it could have been WAY worse. Like, worse in a sexual aspect. Which wouldn't be too bad…

I stop myself before my thoughts wander too far away. Yeah, let's not think about screwing Ulquiorra up against the sinks of the boys' bathroom. Which just so happens to be just a few lockers away from me right now. I wonder if the sinks are comfortable.

I pull myself from my deep contemplation on whether or not the school should invest more money in fluffy sinks when I see a certain gothic teenager putting his science book into his orderly locker.

"Oi, Ulquiorra!" I greet him.

He snaps around at the mention of his name and quickly pulls up a bored expression when he realizes that it's just me.

"Hello, trash," he addresses me curtly. I can just feel the warmth radiating off this guy. I could cook a motherfuckin' s'more on it.

I pout and lean up on the wall next to him. "Aww, you still doting on what happened this morning, Ulqui? I wasn't being serious."

He looks up at me dully. "I am aware of that, trash. Now, if you have no other business with me, please go away."

I prepare to shoot back some witty comment with some hidden sexual innuendo when I make the mistake of looking directly into his eyes. The words die in my throat.

His eyes are so… captivating. I could just drown in their shiny jade depths. I mean, I know that I sound ridiculously stupid right now, but there was just something about them… it made me wanna… lean down and…

…uh, err, RIP THEM OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS AND SMASH THEM AGAINST THE GROUND RELENTLESSLY. THEN SPIT ON THEM. AND SLAP THEM. AND, UH, CALL THEIR MOTHERS OVERWEIGHT. SO HA.

Yeah… whatever.

In my musings, Ulquiorra tilted his head sideways in an inquisitive manner.

Oh god, that was so cute…

…NO, DON'T THINK LIKE THAT, PRETEND THAT…

…Ah, you know what? Fuck this. Sure, it was cute. And he has pretty eyes. And a nice ass. So what? It doesn't mean that I'm gay for him or anything. They're just casual observations. No more denial; if I think something, I'm gonna think it with all my brain! Or with all my heart. Or something like that.

The point is that from here on out, any and all even remotely sexual thoughts about ANYONE will be enjoyed to the fullest. Hell yes.

I start as Ulquiorra jabs me in the chest.

"Grimmjow," he deadpans.

"Huh, yeah?" I respond stupidly.

His eyes wander downwards then quickly shoot back up.

"What is… that?" he asks, pointing to my lower abdominal regions.

"Uh, what?"

I look down.

Oh, that. Why, hello there. How did you get so big all of a sudden, penis? You better shrink back to normal size before my pale friend here chops you off.

After staring down at the bulge in my pants in slight disbelief and slight acknowledgement, I look back at the boy standing before me.

"That, Ulquiorra, would be my extremely prominent erection," I inform him as I motion to my dick.

He stares down for a bit more before closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"Like what you see?" I leer.

"Shut up, trash."

He started to push past me in order to get to the music rooms behind me.

"Wait!" I cry out. "There's actually something that I need to ask you about!"

He hesitates for a moment, then draws to a stop.

"What is it, Grimmjow?" he sighs.

I pull the list from my pocket and toss it over to him. "Renji made that for me during first period. It's the list of people who know."

Ulquiorra examines the paper. After a moment, he looks back up at me.

"It's hard to read, but it will do. The people you need to silence are Shinji Hirako, the senior, Chizuru Honsho, in our year, Orihime Inoue, also in our year, Rangiku Matsumoto, a junior, Ggio Vega, a freshman, Charlotte Cuulhorne, a sophomore, Luppi Antenor, a freshman, Zommari Leroux, a senior, Soi Fon, a sophomore, Franceska Mila Rose, Emilou Apache, Cyan Sun-Sung, Tia's three freshman friends, and Ylforte Grantz, a sophomore. There are some that you can threaten, some that you can bribe, and some that you can persuade through…"

He trails off, coughing a little and looking away from me.

"…Sexual means. I do hope that you won't find any of this too difficult. The threatening and sexing are up to you to go about. I will, however, aid you on any bribes you make," he finishes.

My face lights up. Sex and violence! Sweetcakes.

"Okay, so which person fits which category?" I ask.

Ulquiorra looks thoughtful for a moment, then pulls out a green pen and scribbles onto Renji's list. He hands it back to me, now with little abbreviations by each name.

* * *

><p><strong>Grimjowws "Too-Kill" Liste<strong>  
><strong>Bye: Renji the Great :D<strong>

**Sheenji Hirako with the smile like Nnoitra's "IMA GROPE YOO NOW" face**-Br.  
><strong>That lesbo chick<strong>-Br.  
><strong>Orihime Boobalicious Inoue<strong>-Br.  
><strong>The junior hottie that Shuu likes<strong>-Sx.  
><strong>Some tiger-guy witth a braid name Gigi<strong>-Thr.  
><strong>The tiger-guy's cosin who is the most ridiculously gay dude ive ever scene<strong>-Thr. or Sx.  
><strong>Looppi (the tranny)<strong>-Thr. or Sx.  
><strong>The stoner dude with some funny name like Zomurphy<strong>-Br.  
><strong>The girl that digs your mom who beat me up once named Soy Sauce or something<strong>-Br.  
><strong>Halli's three bitch faces<strong>-Thr. or ask Halibel  
><strong>Yylfordt, the dude with nice hair that I hate<strong>-Thr.

Bribe is Br.  
>Sex is Sx.<br>Threaten is Thr.  
>Just in case you didn't know, dipshit.<p>

**PS You better give me a Pop Tart for this or sumthing**

* * *

><p>Aww, minimal sex. That's too bad.<p>

When I'm done reading over the list, Ulquiorra is gone.

That little shit.

Eyeing the clock, I deem it wise to race to class as fast as my sexy legs can carry me.

I guess that I should start with the threats. Ulquiorra should pull through with the bribes.

It may be kinda difficult to threaten people in groups. I should really get some buddies to help me out.

It would be like a gang fight. Or massacre. But probably a fight. Maybe.

Well, Finance is next anyways. Ukitake won't mind me not paying attention anyways. Time to recruit some hitmen.

I run through the labyrinth of lockers, leaping over some stray textbooks and chairs strewn across the hallways.

I've learned over the past few days that bursting into classrooms unannounced right before the bell rings with my stomach completely exposed brings in a lot of stares. I should probably stop doing that.

Ignoring all the eyes on me, because yes, I did burst through the door again, I button up my shirt and stride over to my hubbies in the back of the room.

'Cause cool kids sit in the back. Fuck yeah.

"Yo, Kit-Kat, what's up?" Nnoitra calls out.

He's surrounded by a few others. There's Tesla, Ichigo, Shiro, Ggio, and Ylforte.

My eyes lock on Ylforte and Ggio.

Cue devious smirk here. Let the silencing begin.


	9. The Gods of Rap Flip Their Shit

Ylforte was easy.

Once the chance to ruin his new shirt was presented, I pounced.

He nearly died. Let's just say that he won't be using that shirt again, or speaking of anything that happened at that party for the rest of his meager life.

But I have to agree with Renji. The dude does have really nice hair.

Ggio put up a bit more of a fight, but once I explained my situation to the twins, Nnoitra, and Tesla, they agreed to help me out as hired thugs.

Ggio gave in when he realized that he was hopelessly outnumbered.

"You guys are assholes," he mutters.

I look down at him. Nnoitra kinda slammed his head into a desk, so he probably has a really bad headache right now.

He is currently situated in Tesla's lap, being petted. Please don't ask me why. I honestly don't know.

Ichigo glances at the pair. "Yup," he agrees. "We are complete douche bags."

"Motherfucking manwhores," Shiro concurs.

"It's like we just went and killed off all the polar bears," Ichigo adds.

"And then kicked a baby penguin," Shiro trills.

"Maybe slapped an orphan with a bowling pin," Ichigo says dangerously as he rears up.

"Drop a kitten from a mountain to see if it can fly

Steal some candy from a baby and stay to see it cry."

"Bro, you steppin' to the challenge?

Then jump in the goddamn saddle

Hold on tight, you getting' wasted

In the latest Rap Battle!" Ichigo yells.

Ohoho, this is gonna be good. Ggio and Tesla cling to each other in excitement. Nnoitra pulls out his phone, preparing a recording. I get in between the two, prepared to judge. Even Ylforte comes out from under the desk he was hiding behind to get a closer look. The class gathers around us as Shiro takes a breath.

Uh, yeah. This happens often. Rap Battles between these two have become legendary. Missing a chance to watch these two have at it is like missing a chance to get the last slice of cake at some kid's birthday party. Mother. Fucking. Suicide-inducing.

"Listen

I'm not sorry that I gotta

Set the record straight

But my rhymes are too ill

For this Rap Battle to wait

I be swimmin' in my ego

Like a pimp in his green

Takin' hold of the world,

Fuckin' causin' a scene

Fuck up some shit

And rule the goddamn sky

Throw some money in the air,

Watch those green fuckers fly

I be walkin' down the street,

Just cruising through the throes

Poppin' bottles, breakin' windows,

Get some-"

Shiro fills the silence in his little rap escapade with throaty, obnoxiously loud sex noise.

"-with some hoes-"

Nnoitra breaks down in laughter.

"-So get some tickets for my show,

Gather round, grab some seats

'Cause you gapin' at my rhythms,

Fuckin' killed by my beats."

A roar erupts from the crowd, accompanied by a chorus of whistles and cat-calls.

Ichigo steps forward and brushes off his shoulder.

Shit just got real.

"Now, Bro, when it comes to this,

You think I'm the worst

But there's a reason here that I came

Out of Mom's stomach first

I was born for raging glory

I'm fuckin' destined to be king

So bow, motherfucker

Get on your knees and kiss my ring

I'm superior, I'm the master,

And the world is mine alone

So fall down on your stomach

Be the footrest at my throne

You get swept up by my presence

Face all gaunt, eyes all pearled

Just admit it, little brother

Fuckin' welcome to the world."

Ichigo puts his hands up and steps back into the whooping audience.

Shiro just shakes his head and steps down.

"And… saved!" Nnoitra exclaims happily as he punches away at his cell.

"I'm gonna remix this soooo hard," he muses, more to himself than to me.

I flick the back of his head. "Dude, stop it with your crazy dubstep sex fantasies. I got some more people to shut up, and you're gonna help me out."

"Oh reaaaally?" he drawls out.

I pull out the list and give it to him.

He looks over it.

"The last two people that we can threaten are Luppi and Gigi's cousin…?" he states questioningly while giving me a look.

I sigh. "It's Ggio's cousin, and I have no idea who the hell he is. If we can't threaten him, would you be willing to sex him up? Either of them?"

Nnoitra fell back on the desk behind him in a lazy manner. "Hmmm… I guess it depends. You know for a fact that I'm trisexual. Remember the time with the Rubix Cube?"

I cringe at the memory. That was one thing that I NEVER needed to see. I never went in Nnoitra's room without knocking ever again.

I'm also almost 100% sure that trisexuality isn't a thing. Maybe it is, I don't know. I'm not educated about the different sexualities.

"Uh, yeah," I grumble. "So you'll do it?"

"Again. It depends on who he is and what he's like," Nnoitra hums.

I shrug. "Fair enough."

I spin around to Ggio, who's still in Tesla's lap. The only difference is that now they're staring up at Ichigo in reverence.

"Hey, Fanboy, you got a cousin here that could be described as flamboyantly homosexual?" I call out.

Ggio snaps out of his trance and gapes at me like a deer caught in headlights.

He leaps off of Tesla's lap, startling the boy, and throws himself at me.

"OI, WHAT THE FU-"

My mouth is covered as I am dragged off to a closet.

When a switch is flipped, light pools onto the little guy's face.

He looks like he just got run over by a truck.

"Don't EVER call that… that… THING… my cousin. Do whatever you want to me, just don't EVER remind me of it," he pleads.

I throw my hands up in defense.

"Whoa, whoa, chill out, bro. I'm not trying to bring up any emotional landslides here. I just need to know where he is so I can stitch his lips up about something," I say as I try to soothe him.

"OH MY GOD HIS LIPS," Ggio cries out as he grips my shirt tightly and sobs into my chest.

Talk about drama.

"Uh… Is there something wrong with his lips?" I question, rather confused.

"It's like he stabbed them with Botox and they puffed up beyond the point of no return! Whenever Mommy invites him and Auntie over, he always goes in for a kiss! A KISS! He doesn't even feel awkward about it! I can't tell if he's gay or just European!" the poor boy despairs.

Sweet mother of all things holy, what a terrible way to live.

I must do something about this sacrilegious blasphemy.

I stand up all straight and shit, puff out my chest, and put on my best hero face.

Pulling his head into my chest again, I give him an awesomely reassuring grin. "Don't worry, little dude! Grimm is here to chase away all the creepy big-lipped incestual gorillas trying to rape your face!"

He looks up at me with awestruck eyes. "R-really?" he sniffles. "Y-you would do that?"

I drop him and salute the air. "No dude should have to live in fear of having his face lip-raped by his cousin! It's like one of your not-alien rights or something! Bros wrote it down on some crinkly yellow paper and framed it, or some crazy legit-makin' shit like that. But you don't have to worry 'bout it, man. I be all up in his shit with my mothafuckin' army of biznasty, ready to send this bitchass off the handle. It's like your cousin is a fox, and the handle is this bunny, and the fox decides to chase the bunny, then the bunny's all like, 'Nah, man, you ain't eatin' my bunny ass today,' and dives down his bunny hole and kicks some dirt in the fox's face. Score."

His face lights up and a grin replicating Nnoitra's sweeps across his face. "Thanks, Grimmjow!"

And then we both jump and fist pump the air in a rather High School Musical-like fashion.

We're in mid-jump when Tesla opens up the door.

"Oh… Hi there, Tes."

* * *

><p>After some rapid explaining and more unnecessary discourse, I'm on my way to the French classroom with Nnoitra, Ichigo, and Shiro trailing me.<p>

"Okay guys, you ready to kick some ass?" I spout out happily as I crunch my knuckles and turn to face them.

I rest my hands behind my head and tread backwards as Nnoitra slings an arm around Ichigo and gives me one of his legendary grins.

"You bet your pretty little posterior, Kitty Cat. I'm gonna fuck some shit up," he replies in a sing-song tone.

Shiro loops his arm around Ichigo as well. "Yup. Their shit is wrecked."

Ichigo shrugs the tangle of arms off of his shoulders and turns to face the door to the French room as we arrive. "Why am I doing this again?"

I squish my cheeks together and puff out my lips.

"'Cause ya love me so fucking much," I tease.

He gives me a blank stare.

Okay, enough of that.

Disbanding my awesome KAWAII DESU expression, I jump in front of the door and take up a battle stance.

"Let's waste 'em."

I kick down the door like a fucking not-so-secret agent and scan the room for anyone that fits the descriptions given to me by Ulquiorra and Ggio.

So I guess that when I see him, I'll just walk over and-

-sweetmotherofallthingsholywhatisthat

The three behind me bump into me due to my sudden stop.

Shiro gives me a pissed off expression. "Hey, why the hell did you-"

The words die in his throat and he gives off a little squeak as his eyes rest on our now quite obvious target.

The person- no, the THING- turns to face us.

I feel my balls jump out of my scrotum and run far, far away. I wish I could join them.

One of its thickly-lashed eyes closes as the thing raises a finger to gargantuan pursed lips.

"Oh, and who might you be, deary?" coos an unmistakably masculine voice.

He's staring right at me. But wait, who's he talking to?

I look around frantically as Ichigo, Nnoitra, and Shiro all take five steps away from me, leaving me in a quarantined little area.

I'm frozen out of totally manly fear as the being rises and inches towards me in what might be an attempt at a seductive manner.

Don't pass out don't pass out don't pass out don't pass out don't pass-

Thick fingers lift my chin until I'm eye-to-eye with the beast.

Don'tpassoutdon'tpassoutdon'tpassoutdon'tpassoutdo n'tpassoutdo-

"Do you have a name, cutie?"

DON'TPASSOUTDON'TPASSOUTDON'TPASSOUTDON'TPASSOUTDO N'TPASSOU-

A hand squishes my right butt cheek.

I pass out.


	10. Enter: Relationship Development

**ULQUIORRA POV**

* * *

><p>The only sound heard is the sound of my feet quietly padding down the halls.<p>

Well, if you don't count the constant self-hate lecture pounding through my conscious.

I can't believe that I forgot my math textbook in my locker. If I wasn't the apathetic shit that I am, I would be slamming my head into the nearest flagpole.

But really. I'm extremely upset due to this. Extremely.

See? This is me being upset here. True anger.

I cover my forehead with my hand and sigh. God, I suck at this. Maybe Nel is right. I should try to care more about my surroundings. And self.

I remove my hand from my forehead and pause for a minute outside of a door.

Did I hear something?

I roll my eyes at myself. Of course I did, trash, I'm in a goddamn school.

Kicking up the level of my internal lecture, I begin to walk again.

I shouldn't be so ignorant and unanalytic. Only trash is ignorant and unanalytic. I am not trash. Wait, no, I am trash for being both of the things that define trash. But I must strive to not be trash. I should practice being mo-

"GRIMM!"

My eyes snap up at the name.

Goddamn it, what did Grimmjow do now? The guy has been completely idiotic and trashy ever since I met him. And now he's being weird about things too. Like basically jumping on me shirtless. What is wrong with him?

Oh well, it would probably be wise to go check up on him. No telling just how far he will go to screw up our little operation. Mr. Ichimaru won't care if I don't come back, anyways.

I open up the door and silently slip in.

What.

I am greeted by the lovely sight of Nnoitra supporting Grimmjow, who seems to be unconscious, while Shiro frantically tries to wake him via slapping his face. Oh hey, it's Ichigo.

I begin to walk over to my friend to get the 411 on the situation when my view is obscured by...

...holymotherfuckingshit.

I mentally slap myself for cursing, then proceed to slowly look up at what appears to be a person. Maybe.

"Who are you?" thunders out a voice.

I gulp. I'm not scared. The mere idea is absolutely preposterous. I'mnotscaredI'mnotscaredI'mno-

The towering beast leans in, covering me in thick purple hair.

I squeak. There's no denying it.

"I said, who are you?" the figure questions me again, then shoots me a wink. Dear god.

I quickly gather myself. I will not be bested by such trash. "I am Ulquiorra, and I want to know what happened to-"

"OH THANK GOD!" the boy cries out dramatically, then sweeps me up off my feet and basically throws me on Grimmjow's dead form, now situated in an awkward position on the floor.

He kinda looks like Snow White. Except he's tan. And has blue hair. And-

-Never mind he doesn't look like Snow White.

I let out a pained hiss as I land on Grimmjow's rock-hard chest, now straddling him. Trash. That guy should really put on some more fat.

Ichigo notices my presence. "Ulqui! What are you-"

"YOU NEED TO SAVE HIM!" he purple-haired guy sobs.

I wipe all the shock from my face as soon as it sets in. Emotions are for trash, bitches.

"Um, I'm sorry, mister...?"

"Cuulhorne."

The name rings a bell. I'll think about it later. "Yes, mister Cuulhorne, but I have reasons to believe that he's not actually dead or dying or in any substantial physical pain at all, so technically, I can't save-"

"HE'S DEAD? OH GOD, DO SOMETHING!" he screams. "MOUTH-TO-MOUTH, QUICKLY!"

"Eh?" is all I manage to get out before a strong hand is gripping my entire head, pushing me down towards...

...Oh no.

Everything goes by in slow motion. Tanned lips are racing at my face, faster and faster. I feel my eyes widen to the point that I could easily pop them out and stick them back in. I'm about 2 inches away when it happens.

Crystal blue eyes flash open. And then...

...Contact.

My face is smothered in all that is Grimmjow. His face isn't so bad-looking, actually. His cheekbones are nicely defined, his nose nearly perfectly sized, and his eyes, still hazy from passing out, really are deep enough to drown in. I can see why all the girls wanna get in his pants. Guys too. He smells like that cool sea foam shampoo that my grandparents have at their beach cottage, but he also smells kinda fruity.

Did I really just think all of that? I'm going insane.

I struggle against the hand holding me liplocked with the cocky douche bag, only to find it useless. Curse this student-devil and his gigantic self. I'll have to remember to deal with this insignificant inbred swine later on.

My struggling seems to be counter-intuitive, seeing as my lips are ravenously crashing down on his every time I turn my head.

Grimmjow still seems kinda disoriented, so as long as I can get out of this before he realizes what's happening, I think that I'll be okay, and if I can get Ichigo and Shiro to help-

My thoughts are interrupted as a new sensation tickles my lips. It's... wet?

Aw, gross, now my lips are wet. What the heck is that?

I run my tongue over my lips trying to get the whatever-it-is off. It tastes kinda good, actually. Like fruits.

Wrong move.

I look down at the blue-haired teenager under me. A playful glint lights up his eyes.

It all clicks.

Fuck.

He seems to have decided that me cleaning off my lips is a sign that I am totally okay with this and want more of "his awesome sexiness," as he says.

His tongue sticks out again to lap at my own, which is still inconveniently sticking out.

"Hey there, Ulqui. What's up?" he teases as he breaks off a bit.

I open my mouth to tell him exactly what is up, and why he's gonna end up in a mental institution because of it.

Wrong move. Again.

A slick muscle is soon making itself at home in my mouth. The fruity flavor that I smelled and tasted before now sweep my senses completely. His tongue goes over every tooth in my mouth and then makes a go for my own tongue. I'm furiously battling him, trying to push it out with all my, uh, mouth-strength, but I fail hopelessly. This guy has way more experience than I do in the sloppy lip-sex department.

Speaking of experience, he seems to know a lot of sensitive spots. I suddenly feel him flick the roof of my mouth and ohnothatfeltgood.

"Mmmph," is all that comes out when I try to tell him to cease.

AGAIN WITH THE WRONG MOVES.

He decides that I'm now moaning in ecstasy, and takes the initiative to bring his arms up and loop them around my lower back.

Hell.

Fucking.

NO.

I lose my shit. I mean, it's my LOWER BACK. That's crossing the line. Not that he wasn't crossing it before, but whatever. Something inside me just snaps, and I'm going all out crazy drag queen on this fucker.

Shit just hit the fan, motherfuckers.

With newfound strength, I bite the invading tongue, earning a cry of pain from underneath me, and push myself up off the floor, spinning around in the air and sending my foot on a hate date with the purple-haired asshole's face.

I land on my side, so I roll over, backflip into a standing position, and plant a foot on Grimmjow's head.

The class is gawking at me now. I can't tell whether it's because of my crazy ninjastic moves, or the fact that I was tongue-tied with Grimmjow. Probably a mix of both.

A great deal of time passes while we all awkwardly stare at each other. The silence is broken when I slip a little bit and dig my foot into Grimm's head harder, causing him to groan. Oops.

"Well, it's been fun, but we gotta go now, right King?" Shiro states as he waltzes over to me and grabs my arm.

"Yes, I must agree. Didn't you want to show us something in the library, Ulquiorra?" Ichigo says, playing along with the act.

I am silent as the twins drag me out into the hall and hightail to the library on the first floor of the building.

The two plop me down into a seat and take places on either side of the chair, scrutinizing my every move. Unnerving, but not uncalled for.

"Is there something you guys want?" I question dully.

A gentle hand lands on my shoulder. "Ichigo and Shiro may not want anything, but I have a few questions," comes a voice from behind me.

I sigh. Here we go again. How Nel knows where I am and my current state of being at any given time is over my head, but I learned to accept it a while ago.

Nel spins the chair around to face her and leans over me, checking my body for any damage. She grabs my head and turns it from side to side, lifts my arms, pats down my chest for broken ribs or something, and does some other stuff that I don't really feel comfortable thinking about.

"Nel, I'm fine," I sigh. She really is much too protective. It's like she's my mother. I already have one of those, and she does a pretty okay job.

"Are you sure, Ulqui? I get really worried whenever you hang around-" She makes a disgusted face "_-Grimmjow_."

I look up at her again. "I'm not hanging around him, or anything of the sort. I'm simply helping him recover shreds of his social standing in exchange for some help with my problems."

Nel raises an eyebrow at this. "What problems, exactly?"

Ichigo, who had been zoning out up until now, suddenly snapped to attention, startling his twin.

"Oh, Ulquiorra, that reminds me! I saw Grimmjow the other day when I was out shopping, and he thinks that-"

"Quiet, Ichi," Nel scolds. "I need some answers out of him, and this may be the only time he decides to spill."

"But it's really important! Grimm thinks-"

"Grimm doesn't think, Strawberry! Now cool it!"

"But-"

In seconds, Nel is looming over him, back arched and nail at his throat.

"Don't make me give you one of my hugs," she rumbles.

"Uh, hahaha, no, it's okay Nel, I was just, um, gonna go read that book over, uh, over there, and, um, I was, err, and then, uh, bye!"

I feel some sweat running across my forehead. That girl is quite frightening.

When she turns to face me, she's smiling happily again and I swear there are rainbows forming a halo around her head.

"Okay, back to business Ulqui-lala!" she sings. "So what did Grimmjow promise you?"

I clear my throat and force myself to relax again. "He said that he would help me establish intelligence-collection connections with Orihime Inoue, who would be a key source for information on the crowd of girls containing Tatsuki Arisawa and Chizuru Honsho. She would also be ideal for learning secrets of Rukia Kuchiki, which I'm sure Ichigo would be very interested in. I haven't gotten Rukia earlier because Renji is always obscuring my path. Orihime, on top of everything, would also give me exclusive access to Rangiku Matsumoto, and with her, I can learn everything there is to know about the juniors.

Unfortunately, when we were in middle school Orihime and I had this awkward encounter. We were both in art class together, and we had to wear old T-shirts as smocks because the budget for the school was low that year after paying for the damage that a raging storm over the summer had done to the roof. Orihime was my seat partner, so we would always share brushes and materials. One day, we were taking off our smocks, and her shirt accidentally came up with it. I was leaning down to pick up a stray pencil, and when I brought my head back up, I unknowingly got a face-full of boob. Because I didn't know that breasts were the things smothering my face, I reached up to grab at them and save myself from suffocating on the weird whatever-they-weres. I ended up groping her through her bra, and we didn't ever really talk or even look at each other after that.

After that incident, I didn't really confront her ever again. Now that I need her, I have no way to approach her. Grimmjow, however, is in prime position to get things normal between the two of us again, and help reconstruct our friendship. Orihime is my gateway to around half of the school, so that is why I am trying to help Grimmjow to the best of my abilities."

A flash of disapproval sweeps Nel's face, but is quickly replaced with begrudging understanding.

"Okay then. One more thing," she informs me.

A serial killer smile erupts across her face. "What exactly happened in the French classroom not moments ago?"

Oh.

I fight the blood undoubtedly rushing to my face as I scramble to answer her. "Well, you see, I was going back to my locker from Mr. Ichimaru's class to get my textbook, and, uh, I heard some commotion in the French room, so, err, I went in, and this person was unconscious on the floor, and then this kid freaked out and, um, pushed me into the passed out person, and we kinda, uh..."

"Go on..." she urges in a deadly tone.

"We basically kissed," I say in defeat. There's no lying to Nel, she always knows.

I feel her get this quick spasm through her grip on my shoulder. "Would this person that you happened to kiss, per chance, have blue hair?"

"..."

"Ulquiorra... You know that I'll find out in the end..."

"Blue hair is a possibility..."

Her grip on my shoulder tightens to the point that I'm sure my bone has fractured.

"Nel!" I gasp as I frantically try to save my arm.

"Oh! Sorry, Ulqui," she apologizes as she relinquishes her hold and massages my shoulder instead.

"Nel, it was just once. And it's not like he was the one to initiate it. Cuulhorne pushed me onto him while he wasn't awake," I tell her.

She forcibly swallows and relaxes behind me.

"Alright Ulqui, but be careful around him. You know that he has friends in high places," she warns me.

"I know, but so do I," I reply calmly. "And on top of that, I have you to keep him in place."

Her face is rapidly filled with a fond glow at the last statement. "You bet ya do, Ulquicakes!"

She pulls me into a hug and drags me off of the chair. I really do love Nel, and she knows it too. She's the closest thing to a big sister I've ever had.

"You know what, Ulqui? I think that you and I should go home a little early today. You've been through a lot," she sings.

"What?"

I suddenly find myself being ushered out of the library. I see Ichigo and Shiro behind a bookshelf, peering at our former position through a gap in a shelf of Harry Potter books.

Ichigo turns to face me quickly and frantically motions for me to text him whenever I can. He looks absolutely panicked. It's kind of a funny look for him, seeing as he's usually so calm or ridiculously angry.

It's also kinda funny because Shiro is standing behind him pelvic thrusting into a Twilight book. We always hated those books anyways.

I make a mental note to get in touch with my redheaded friend as Nel sweeps me through the library doors and straight out of the school.

"Do you wanna get ice cream or something?" she asks me as she runs over to the bike racks and begins to unlock her bike.

I ponder it for a minute. I'm not big on ice cream myself, but maybe my little brother will want some.

I nod to Nel to confirm my approval as I lean down to unlock my bike as well. Speaking of my brother, I better keep an eye out for him. I feel kind of silly now, because I sort of got him into a bit of a predicament.

My mind wanders back to when I went over Grimmjow's "Liste." When I saw Luppi's name on there, I couldn't say that I was surprised. He always did enjoy staying in the middle of the action. I put down threaten and sex as a joke, but I think that Grimmjow took me seriously. He probably doesn't even know that Luppi's my little brother. I wouldn't put it past him, but he should know, since his little brother is in the same grade as Luppi. He also probably thinks that I am incapable of making jokes. I hope that Grimmjow doesn't do anything drastic before I have the chance to explain things.

Because if that blue-haired piece of shit tries to rape my little brother, I'm going to rip his intestines out and hang him with them while I burn his scrotum.

Yeah, I'm a little Nel-like when it comes to Luppi. Mother is an adequate caretaker, but she's not very emotional. That's probably where I get it from. Luppi, however, isn't like that; he needs someone to socialize with and dote over him. I'm not usually one to care, but I can't help it when it's Luppi.

"Ulquiorra! You still there?" Nel asks as she pokes my cheek.

Oops, I guess I spaced out again. I should stop doing that. Only trash does that.

"Uh, yeah," I reply. "Let's go."

And with that, we both mount our bikes and take off down the street.

I feel rather irresponsible skipping school like this, but I'm ahead in all my classes anyways, so it won't be too life-shattering.

I pound away at the pedals below me, gaining velocity. I enjoy going fast; it's one of the few things that really makes me happy.

Nel pulls up closer to me as we reach the busier part of town. She looks behind us for a moment, and quickly snaps back around. It was only there for the slightest of a second, but I could swear that she looked scared.

"Nel, are you-"

"Let's go this way," she cuts in quickly and takes of across the road, heading right.

I swerve around and tail her.

My brows furrow in thought. How strange. Nel is never worried.

When she looks back to see if I'm still with her, she looks perfectly fine. "Come on, Ulqui! We can go to that cool new place that opened up across from the park!"

When she looks forward again, I frown a little. She's not fooling me.

She turns again, and I follow her into the park. We ride past a group of children goofing around on the playground, seeing as the elementary school kids get a day off today, then breeze past an elderly couple feeding the birds.

We cruise through the park, passing joggers, couples, business people, and finally, Shiro and Ichigo's little sister and her soccer team.

We wave as we pass them, earning friendly greetings and huge smiles. I miss when we were all that young.

Finally making it to the other side of the park, Nel and I chain our bikes to the park fence and dash across the street, nearly getting run over a few times.

Nel grabs my hand, and together we get in the short line in front of Yumi's Yummy Ice Cream.

"What do you think you want?" she asks me as she looks over the countless flavors.

I look up at the list. Luppi likes berry flavors, so I'll get some of those in a waffle bowl or something.

Nel looks over at me and grins. "Not Luppi, silly! What do YOU want? I'll pay for Luppi and you, how about that?"

Ignoring the fact that she basically read my mind, I let my gaze slide back over to my green-haired guardian. "It's alright, Nel, I don't really need ice cream."

"Aww, come on Ulqui," she protests. "Everyone likes ice cream! Now stop being so modest and choose whatever you like, or I'll choose for you!"

With a sigh, I look back to my options. I like mint, and vanilla always seems good...

"I'll just take a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of mint, then," I tell her.

"Do you want any toppings? I hear that the fudge is to die for," she hums.

Mmm, fudge.

"Yeah, okay, fudge sounds good."

"Woot!" she yells as we find ourselves in the front of the line.

An angry looking bald guy turns to us.

"I'm Ikkaku. Whaddya want?" he growls.

His unfriendly attitude doesn't hinder Nel. "My friend here will have a vanilla and mint cone with fudge, and we'd also like a large waffle bowl with strawberry, blueberry, raspberry, cherry, blackberry, and any other berry stuff ya got, along with strawberry syrup on top, and I would like a cone with lemon, chocolate, kiwi, vanilla, coffee, toffee, ooh! That birthday cake stuff! Um, orange sorbet, french vanilla, mango, cotton candy, err, butterscotch, pinneapple... aw, heck, just put it all on! Oh, and whipped cream and a cherry on top."

The guy, Ikkaku, looks at her blankly.

Poor dude.

He turns around and calls back to his friend in the back. "Hey, Yumichika! We got a big order here! One vanilla mint fudge cone, one large all-berry waffle cone with strawberry sauce, and one cone with every flavor we have along with whipped cream and a cherry!"

A flamboyant dude with colorful eyebrow extensions and chin-length hair pops out of the back in a chef hat. I don't really see why he would need the chef hat in an ice cream store, but I'm not one to judge.

"One with everything?" he asks incredulously.

"That's right," the angry guy replies.

I can see Yumichika's face light up. The guy looks overjoyed, like he never gets chances like these.

He soon disappears back into the room, and Ikkaku tells us that he'll bring us the ice cream when it's all ready.

"It shouldn't take long, but you may wanna sit down. Yumi can do some weird stuff sometimes."

"Alright, thank you."

Nel and I walk over to a nearby table and seat ourselves. Prime time for interrogation.

"Nel?" I begin.

"Hmm?"

I take a breath. "What was that back there? What scared you?"

Her face warps a little, but quickly fades to something rather akin to tiredness.

"It doesn't matter that much, Ulqui. Everything is fine," she says.

I raise a brow. "By the sound of it, I have reason to think differently."

"Listen, it's really complicated and I don't want you getting yourse-"

"Nel. I tell you everything. Know that you can talk to me about things too."

She sighs again, then looks me in the eyes. I send her back a determined stare.

She folds her hands under her chin and closes her eyes. "Okay Ulquiorra, but only because I know that you can take care of yourself. I saw the Vizards back there, and they didn't look like they were getting along too well with some other thugs. I know that the Vizards aren't known for violence, but they do illegal dealings and all, and I don't think they're safe to hang around."

She opens her eyes and looks into mine again. "There are some kids in our school that have ties with them, and that makes those kids prone to danger or dangerous themselves. I don't think that he knows it, but I think that Grimmjow is one of them. Not in that gang itself, mind you, but closely interwoven with their dealings. I know for a fact that Shuuhei is friends with one of the higher members of the group, and Grimmjow is fairly close to Shuu. On top of that, I have my suspicions about other things."

Nel reaches over and touches my shoulder a little bit. "It's not that I don't like Grimmjow; I think that he's fine, really. But I'm worried about him because of who he hangs around, and I don't want you getting stuck in any of that. Plus Nnoitra should rot in hell."

I tilt my head a little in question. I already knew that Shuuhei had ties with the Vizards, who the Vizards are, what they do, and how they do it. I knew that Grimm probably had voluntary or involuntary actions concerning the group. I'm an info broker; it's my job to know this stuff.

But she has other suspicions?

"Nel, what do you mean when you say you are suspicious about other things?" I inquire.

Nel leans back in her chair. "I'm not quite sure myself, but I always get this feeling that there's more to Grimmjow than meets the eye."

"Well, that all seems very interesting, kiddies, but I'm sure this ice cream will shut ya up for a while," Ikkaku says as he dishes us out our ice cream.

Nel thanks him and pays him, and he saunters away.

I'm tucking into my cone and Nel ravenously devours hers.

"Is it good?" I ask teasingly.

"Mmmph, yeh, ith weally goo!" she mumbles out through her layers of frozen sugar.

I stare down at the ice cream we had gotten for Luppi. "Hey, Nel, I should probably get home and freeze this ice cream before it-"

"BRAINFREEZE!" she cries out as she slams her head into the table and whimpers for a few seconds before fully recovering and going at it again.

I shake my head at her antics and smirk a little.

"Nel, I'm going to go home now so that Luppi's ice cream doesn't spoil. Thanks for the treat," I say as I get up to leave.

I pick up Luppi's ice cream and my own, only to have Nel grab at my sleeve.

"Ulquiorra..."

"Yes?"

"Just... be careful, okay?"

I look down at her and give her a genuine smile. "I will, Nel."

She looks relieved and lets me go.

I turn around and head over to my bike.

After sprinting across the street and unlatching my bike, I turn and wave to Nel one last time.

"Bye, Nel!" I call out.

She looks over, her face coated in a rainbow of creamy goodness. "Bye, Ulqui!"

I jump onto my bike and take off down the sidewalk. I'm fairly decent at riding bikes, so it was no trouble for me to tuck Luppi's ice cream in my arm, hold my cone, and steer the bike single-handedly. Luckily for me, my house is really close to the park, so getting home won't take long at all. Mother won't be home from work until later, so I won't have to worry about any questions. Not that she would ask me anything, anyways. She never really says much.

Turning a corner at a bookstore and riding down a few blocks, after a few more twists and spins I arrive at my home. It's nothing big; just a homely little condo unit.

I latch my bike to the bike railings outside of the complex and make my way to the stairs.

As I ascend, I fish out my key, twirling it through the air.

I go up to the third and final floor, striding over to the farthest door on the left. Condo 1246. My home.

I unlock the door gently and push my way inside.

I kick off my shoes and shove them into a corner as I begin to make my way to the kitchen.

"Eh, Ulquiorra, why are you home so early?" trills a familiar voice.

Enter: Luppi Antenor. 14 years old. Jet black hair that follows the frame of his face. Sleek purple eyes. Kept our father's last name at the request of Mother, even though Father left us before Luppi was born. A little on the short side, but still growing. Almost always happy, teasing, and energetic. Can be pretty gay sometimes, but makes up for it by dating a bunch of hot girls way older than him. You can get chicks easy like that when you're just that adorable.

I nearly jumped out of my skin and dropped the ice cream when I was pounced on by my little brother.

"Ooh, is that ice cream? Did you get the berry one for me? Aw, so sweet, Ulquiorra!" he laughs.

With him still clinging onto my back, I walk to the kitchen and set both ice creams down before reaching behind me and wrenching him off my back.

"Luppi, first of all, you won't get the ice cream if you keep acting like such a child. Second, why are you yourself home so early? School doesn't officially let off for around another five hours," I lecture.

He pouts at me. "I'm not acting like a kid, and school was boring today, so I left! Plus, that blue-haired guy Grimmjow started chasing me down the hall after third period, so I decided to come home."

I rub my temple and sigh. Dammit, Grimmjow. Why are you so stupid?

"Fine, fine, but only this once. Skipping school is for trash," I mutter.

"Yeah! Now let's eat some ice cream!" he cries out happily.

I smile a bit and hand him the ice cream. He grabs it from me greedily and immediately starts lapping it up.

I flick his forehead at this. "Spoon, Luppi. Get a spoon."

He sticks his tongue out at me. "Nooooo."

I roll my eyes and turn around to go back to the living room. "Whatever. Just don't complain to me when your face is sticky and covered in cream."

As I walk away, I hear him grumbling and pulling open a drawer to get out a spoon like I told him to.

Good kid.

I start a little as the door opens again. Turning, I see Mother coming in through the hallway.

She looks at me and then continues on past.

Enter: Nemu Cifer. I'm really not sure how old she is, but I would assume she would be somewhere in her mid-thirties. Deep green eyes rather like my own, accented by long black hair, typically braided. Doesn't speak much, or show any emotion for that matter. Despite lack of feeling, she doesn't completely disregard Luppi and I. She makes sure that we are adequately taken care of, provides for our needs and wants, and helps us whenever we require it. She could be a little more expressive, but she does a pretty good job taking care of us as she is now.

Luppi pops out of the kitchen when Nemu walks into the living room.

"Hi, Mother!" he greets happily.

She turns to him, slightly confused as to why we're both home so early, but not disapproving. "Hello."

I'm rather curious as to why she's home early as well, but I decide that it isn't of that much importance.

Luppi flashes a massive grin at Mother and shows off his ice cream.

I'm not sure if I'm imagining it or not, but I think she smiles for just a few seconds before turning around and going into her room.

I stretch my arms and make to head into my room as well.

"Whatcha doin'?" Luppi asks me.

I open my door and beckon him over. "Just some intel work. You can come if you want."

He happily bounds over as I sit at my laptop.

Positioning himself squished next to me on the chair, he peers at the loading screen.

"What kind of info are you getting now?"

"You know Grimmjow, right? The guy who chased you?"

He nods. "Yup yup."

I crack my knuckles and punch in my password. "Well, he kinda had a valid reason to be running after you. You saw him kissing someone at the party the other night, and he doesn't want word to get out, so he's been rounding up everyone who saw and quieting them. I've been helping him out in exchange for some more intel connections, and when I saw you on the list, I decided to joke around a little and not tell him that you wouldn't say anything anyways. I guess I shouldn't really joke around, because no one expects me to and takes me seriously all the time. So I'll just tell him to lay off tomorrow. Anyways, right now, I'm going to try and pull together some bribes for the people that he can't convince on his own."

Luppi sticks his tongue out at me. "Bleh, that was mean, Brother! You know how stupid Grimmjow is! He wouldn't be able to tell a penis from a vagina from an inch away."

I flick his forehead. "I know that, Luppi, but it was just a spur of the moment thing, okay? I'll try to keep you out of this from here on out. But you do promise not to say anything, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," he grumbles. "I didn't even get to see who he was kissing, anyways, so it doesn't really matter."

I pat his head and enter my web browser. "Okay, and, we're on. Here are my archives."

He watches in awe as I pull up my immense collection of files regarding nearly everyone he's ever known and then some. I see his face light up in curiosity at some blinking messages on a sidebar.

"What are those?" he questions.

I peer at them. Oh, new info from Shiro. It's on Grimm. Maybe this was what Ichigo wanted to talk to me about?

I click on the link, and almost die.

I scramble to close the window as Luppi claws at my hand, preventing me from stopping him from staring at the blasphemous video now playing full volume on my screen.

Shiro just had to send me the video someone took of Grimmjow and I on the floor of the French room now of all times, didn't he? Note to self: Kill Shiro.

"Ulquiorra!" Luppi exclaims as a shit-eating grin engulfs his face. The corners of his mouth seem to reach his ears as he turns to face me again.

"You and Grimmjow? That's so cute!" he squeals as he falls of the chair, now rolling on the ground in laughter.

My face in undoubtedly the exact shade of Renji's hair by now. "Luppi, it is most definitely not what you think."

He drags himself up onto my lap and clings onto me as his body is wracked by spasms of explosive giggling. "Of course it isn't, Brother."

I swat his head and swallow a shaky breath I didn't know I had been holding.

Tentatively dropping the file into my password protected "Scandalous" folder, I open up my folders on Zommari Leroux, Shinji Hirako, Chizuru Honsho, Orihime Inoue, and Soi Fon.

I don't have any good information on Chizuru yet, but if Renji's description is accurate, then she seems to be flamboyantly homosexual. I grin a little. Maybe Nel will be willing to help me out.

Looking the names over once more, I get a better idea. Orihime may feel awkward around me because of that whole boob experience, but my files are definitely hinting that she has close connections with a certain red-headed friend of mine...

Luppi starts braiding my hair as I formulate a plan for the ultimate lesbian experience.

Smirking internally at my genius untrashiness, I look over to Soi Fon. I don't have much on her, either. I'll deal with her later on.

I stare at the last to files flickering back at me. Zommari Leroux... avid yoga student, practitioner of the fine arts, and unfailingly doped up on a special drug only grown in Madagascar every day. If I can either threaten to cut off his supply of drugs or possibly give him some of the special stuff, then he'll be easy to bag.

My gut jumps a little when I see Shinji Hirako's profile. He's the leader of the Vizards.

Problem. Biiiiig problem. Nel won't like this at all.

Luppi pauses tying my hair for a minute to examine my screen. His eyebrows go up when he sees Shinji.

"Hey, Ulqui, that's the guy that's friends with that girl who dated this guy I know. He's really dangerous sometimes. Why are you researching him?" Luppi inquires. He sounds a little worried.

"He's one of the people who saw Grimmjow. Don't worry about me; I'll be okay. It's not like I'm getting involved in any of his gang's activities," I reassure him.

I relax as I feel his fingers go back to work on my hair.

Looking back at the laptop, I reread his files. It seems that a few good drugs can be useful when dealing with him, too.

"Ah ha!" cries out my little brother from behind me.

He jumps off the chair as I stand up and feel at my head.

It's... bumpy.

I calmly walk to the bathroom and examine myself in the mirror.

My hair is intricately braided into many different ropes of knots, then expertly woven together to form a bun in the back, with the rest spilling out into a curled ponytail from around it.

Oh, and there are all these random purple bows and ribbons everywhere.

I look a little lower to see Luppi staring through the mirror from behind me, grinning smugly.

Nemu walks in just then, stares at the two of us for around a minute, then leaves.

Sometimes, I worry about her.

I stare back at my little brother. "Luppi, if I keep this in for a few more minutes, will you do me a favor?"

He looks at me like I just told him that I had a vagina. "Whoa, really? You'll keep it?"

I sigh. The things I do for my job. "Yes, I will."

He suddenly gets an evil look, and I regret my decision. "Let me take a picture of it too, and it's a deal."

I rub my forehead. Ugh.

"Fine, but that's it," I agree reluctantly.

He fist pumps the air then tackle hugs me.

"Okay!" he chirps. "What do you want me to do?"

"You know Szayel Aporro, the kid in your year?"

He ponders the name for a moment, then a look of recognition flashes across his features.

"Oh yeah! He was the one that Nelly beat up!" he reminds me.

"That's him. Do you think that you could arrange for us to meet outside by the stairs during fifth period?"

He assumes army position and salutes me with a determined expression. "Aye!"

I pat his head. He really can be an angel sometimes. Key word here being sometimes.

Such is displayed when he suddenly disappears only to appear with a camera.

"Smile, Ulqui!" he trills before snapping the picture.

I'm about to head back into my room when he suddenly grabs my arm.

"Hmm?"

"Hey, Ulqui, just a question."

"What is it?"

A devious grin snakes its way across Luppi's face. "Why did you like kissing Grimmjow so much?" he teases, puffing out his lips in a fish-face.

And with that, he spun around and skipped off to who-knows-where.

I shake my head at him and turn around to my bedroom.

But I can't help but ask myself the same question.

* * *

><p><strong>ICHIGO'S POV<strong>

Not good.

Noooooooot good.

I'm to the point of crushing my phone in my hand when Shiro jumps on the bed beside me and loops an arm around my shoulders.

"Ulqui hasn't texted back yet?"

I shake my head frantically.

He takes on a worried expression as well.

"If he and Grimmjow don't get this Orihime business cleared up..." I trail off, thinking of all the terrible possibilities. More than a few of them involve the end of the world via robot space invaders. Or Chizuru Honsho.

Shiro curls up next to me and assumes fetal position. I take the same pose and together we stare wide-eyed at the opposite wall.

"Not good."

"Noooooooooooot good."


	11. Kurosaki Swag

**BACK TO GRIMMJOW'S POV**

"Bye Mom!" I call out as I wave to the violet-haired woman in the living room.

She curls up into this awkward yoga position and grins at me from in between her legs.

"Bye, Grimmy! Make sure to take Toshiro with you until he meets up with his friends!"

"Yeah, okay," I confirm.

When I reach the door, I spin around and raise my hands to my mouth.

"OI! TOSHI! GET YOUR SKINNY ASS DOWN HERE, YOU LITTLE SHIT! I'M LEAVING!" I bellow.

"FUCK OFF! I'M PUTTING MY SHOES ON!" yells back a voice from the hallway.

I tap my foot impatiently as he jumps over to me, a piece of an apple hanging from his mouth, still struggling with his shoe.

He fumbles with it for a few more seconds before I get tired.

"Here, lemme do it, fuckass," I drone out dully.

"Mmph," is all that I hear through the fruit.

I kneel down and tie my little brother's shoe. He really is such a pain sometimes, but I can't help but enjoy it. I'm brotherly. Got a problem with that, skank?

I'm glad we see eye to eye on the matter.

I do this intricately awesome knot, then jump up off the floor.

Slapping his head, I turn to my white-haired sibling. "Let's roll, tu mierda pequeña."

"Bye, boys! Don't get killed or arrested! Oh, and keep up your Spanish skills! Remember, it's not cursing if no one can understand you!" Mom yells to us as we leave.

Words of wisdom from Mommy. They must obviously be taken very seriously.

I grab Toshiro's hand and drag him out the door before Yoruichi can launch into a full-fledged speech about how the Spanish language would soon infiltrate every corner of the globe, slowly taking over the business world, leaving the Europeans and Westerners behind in the ashes of a Hispanic revolution. Quite likely.

I drag my sibling out of the house quickly and make my way to the sidewalk.

I let go of his hand as we set a leisurely pace, slowly advancing towards school.

Yawning, I whip my hands behind my head and let the sun shine down on my face.

"Nice weather today," I comment.

"Mmm hmm," he hums in reply.

I turn a corner and, strangely enough, DO NOT run into anyone! Score one for Grimmjow!

But little Toshi did bite the dust.

"Ugh…" he moans from his new position under some kid his age.

The kid in question coughs a little, struggling to roll off of my brother.

I'm about to reach down and help him up when a cold voice hits my ears.

"Step down, trash."

Oh look, it's Ulquiorra.

WAIT WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS HE HERE

"Ulquiorra?" I ask dumbly as he strides over and plucks the kid off Toshiro.

He ignores me, cradling the boy in his arms. "Are you okay, Luppi?"

"Mmph… yeah, I'm okay," the kid groans. He then stares down at my little brother worriedly.

"Is he… oh hey! It's Toshiro! What's up?"

Toshiro cracks open an eye and stares up at him. "The sky appears to be of great altitude today, as do the feelings of pain in my lower back and right elbow."

Luppi gives Snowball a lopsided grin. It's kinda awkward looking because his face is really squished in Ulquiorra's hug of death. "Sorry 'bout that."

Toshiro works his way back onto his feet, swaying a little as he does so.

I sigh. He can be such a drama queen.

"I'll live."

Luppi stares blankly for a few seconds before his face lights up and he leaps over to my brother.

"Oh, so I have to go talk to this dude, right? And he's kinda creepy and so I was wondering if you could-"

I tune out the little guy as he starts rambling aimlessly and we all start walking to school again. How does Ulquiorra put up with this? He's like one of those two hour long infomercials about vacuum cleaners. OKAY, IT CLEANS CARPETS REALLY WELL. WE GET IT. I HONESTLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT HOW THE NEW OCTUPOD-DERIVED SUCTION TECHNOLOGY EXPONENTIALLY INCREASES THE EFFICIENCY ON WOODEN SURFACES. PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEMME WATCH MAKE IT OR BREAK IT.

But seriously. Make it or Break it is a good show. All the drama that those girls go through…

…it makes me tear up every time. EVERY FUCKING TIME. Oh god, I'm crying again just thinking about it…

"Grimmjow."

I face Ulquiorra as he addresses me. "Whaddya want?" I sniffle.

"…You are… crying…"

I wipe at my eyes. "No I'm not! I just… It's… I got somethin' in my eye. Err, both of 'em."

He walks away.

Aww, now he thinks I'm some emotionally stunted bitch. Better pull some suave moves. Okay Grimm, just be casual. As casual as a casual section as some awesomely underpriced department store that sells nothing but casual stuff. Which is really casual. In a casually casual way.

Clearing my eyes, I saunter up to him and match his pace. Our little brothers are still talking, so I can turn up my sexy meter all the way. Yes, I have one of those. And it's fucking awesome.

I swipe my hand through my hair, leaning back to pull my shirt tightly against my abs, defining the muscles in just the right way. "So Ulquiorra, how are the bribes coming along?"

He glances over at me, then reaches into his pocket to pull put a sheet of paper. Hmm, he didn't notice my sexiness yet. Time to crank it up.

"I have plans for most of them, and now you have to help obtain the items. It should be rather straightforward," he replies.

"Mmm… cool, cool..." I say, stretching my shoulder by pulling my arm to the side, giving him a nice view of my back. I then subtly lift my shirt a little as the wind blows, sending the hem up past my belly button and really putting on a show.

He continues to stare straight ahead. Balls.

Awkward silence ensues.

I steal a glance at him while I think he isn't looking. He's rocking these freakishly skinny grey jeans. My eyes slowly trail up his thigh to rest on…

…Aww yeah.

It's so… perfect.

Toshiro suddenly appears out of nowhere and leads me a little ways off from the other two.

"Hey, Grimm? I have a question for you."

"Hmm? What is it, punk?"

He smirks a little. "Well, you seemed very interested in Ulquiorra's attire. I just love his shirt. Might I ask you what color it was?"

I blank. "It was… uh… well, if you look at it from a certain angle, it's…"

All I can see are flashing images of a grey-clad posterior. DAT ASS IS EVERYWHERE.

"…Blue?" I try.

Toshiro flicks my forehead. "If you're gonna check out someone's butt, make it less obvious, dipshit."

I growl. "Fuck you."

He gives me a teasing grin and walks back over to talk with Luppi.

If it's really that obvious, I'll have to find some more subtle, more slick, more undeniably sexy way of wrapping Ulquiorra around my finger.

As soon as he's gone, Ulquiorra walks over to me. "Grimmjow, from what I've gathered so far, you will need to speak to Ichigo about helping you convince Orihime to pipe down, and from then on you may also want to ask him if he will get her to convince Chizuru, since Chizuru is very, um, friendly… towards Orihime. Zommari and Shinji can easily be convinced with drugs, and I have someone working on obtaining those. I'm not sure about Soi Fon yet, so I'll do some information gathering today."

I nod mindlessly, not really taking in what he says. Need to speak to blah blah blah convince Chizuru blah blah drugs blah blah blah blah blah information blah blah… oh, dude, I just got this great idea.

"Wow, Ulquiorra, that's a lot of stuff. I don't think I'll be able to remember it all. Oh, hey! Here's an idea! Why don't we go to that new café after school, and you can go over everything with me?" I suggest brightly.

Ohoho, I'm soooo smart. He simply CANNOT resist my Jaegerjaques charm.

He blinks up at me with those insanely wide eyes of his. "I apologize, Grimmjow, but I cannot go today. I have to get some stuff done with Nel, Ichigo, and Shiro. But I will gladly give you my list. I have another one in my files."

He hands me the list. "Well, if we're all done here, I need to hurry Luppi along. He's been having trouble with his locker lately, and I have to unjam it for him. Good luck."

I stare at him dumbly as he jogs off with his little brother in tow. Was I just… rejected? No way. That word isn't even in my vocabulary.

Toshiro stops at the corner and waits for me as I slowly drag myself forward in a robotic manner, not really comprehending what just happened.

"So… Grimm? You okay there? You look like you just saw Dad streaking again," he comments.

"Uh…" I say stupidly.

Wow, I need some time to clear my head. Focus on something stable… something like… trees. Yes, trees are as pretty fucking stable as they get. Unless some chainsaw-wielding maniac runs through and just has at it. Or a monster truck runs it over. Or if it was struck by lightning. Or if a tsunami came and swept it away. Or if a tornado…

…Nevermind. Trees suck.

Oh hey, I can think again. Cool.

Looking around, I realize that in the time I spent trying to recover my ability to cognate, my little brother disappeared.

"Toshiro?" I ask.

No answer.

OH GOD WHAT IF THE PEDOPHILES GOT HIM? I SWEAR PEOPLE LIKE ICHIMARU ARE ALWAYS HIDING BEHIND TRASHCANS TRYING TO STEAL HIS CUTE LITTLE SNOWY ASS HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THINGS FRUITY WHAT AM I GOING TO DO MOM WILL FREAKING KILL ME AND DAD WILL JUST STAND BACK AND SMILE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY AS SHE BEATS ME WITH A WHIP AND MARRS MY BEAUTIFUL BODY WHILE MOURNING THE LOSS OF HER YOUNGEST CHILD AS SHE CONTEMPLATES ALL THE TERROR THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE BEFORE HIM AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT AND OH GOD WHAT IF THEY DECIDE TO DO WEIRD KINKY THINGS TO HIM LIKE MAKE HIM DRESS UP AS A WHALE AND HAVE FETISH WHALE SEX WAIT HOW DO WHALES EVEN HAVE SEX I MEAN I'VE NEVER REALLY SEEN A PENIS OR VAGINA ON ONE BUT THEY'RE STILL MAMMALS SO I GUESS THEY HAVE ONE SOMEWHERE BUT THAT'S REALLY KINDA WEIRD I GUESS THAT'S WHY IT QUALIFIES AS FETISH AND KINKY BUT STILL ACCORDING TO THE RULES OF THE INTERNET IF IT EXISTS THEN THERE'S PORN OF IT AND GOOD GOD EVERY SECOND I SPEND RANTING IN MY HEAD IS ANOTHER SECOND THAT TOSHI MAY SPEND HAVING STRANGE MARINE WHALE SEX.

I break out sprinting. "TOSHIRO, I'LL SAVE YOU! THE WHALES CAN'T HAVE YOU! BIG BROTHER GRIMM IS COMING TO SA-"

I freeze when I run in the middle of a group of students, all staring at me with wide eyes. Toshiro is in the middle of them, hiding his burning red face in his hands.

Oops.

We all stay still as statues for around thirteen seconds, just taking in the situation.

Lil' Bro appears to have grouped up with Orihime, Rangiku, Rukia, Shuuhei, and Kira.

And now they're all staring at me.

I feel a cold palm land on my shoulder. I turn around hopefully, hoping that Ulquiorra will bail me out.

A sleek voice cuts through the air. "Whaddya get yourself into this time, Jaegmaster?"

A warmer hand accommodates itself on my other shoulder. "Ever the awkward one, Jaegerjaques."

I release my muscles and pout as the twins slink by me to loop their arms around the other's shoulders and casually part the little awkward-fest we have going.

"Tch, fuck off, berries," I reply before running up to join them.

Everyone else seems to feel the tension break and drop the whole "WTF is wrong with Grimmjow" thing.

Remembering Ulquiorra's orders, I set out on a course of action.

"Hey, Shiro, can I ask ya something?"

"Mmph. What is it, Kit-Kat?"

"Ha, dude, do you remember that time when Ichigo was up on the roof after school and he lost his-"

"-Okay Grimmjow, what do you want?" Ichigo cuts me off before I can relay the gruesome details of that which shall not be named.

Bait taken. Fuck yeah. That always works. Heh.

I grin. "Well, Ichi, ya know how Ulquiorra and I are working on a little project of mine? Well, we need your help. It isn't anything big, but it does require-"

I pause, flipping my hair a little and gazing evilly at him from the corner of my eye.

"-a certain type of character. Preferably a redheaded one."

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it," he states as he waves me off.

"Okay, let's be blunt. I need you to shut up Orihime. Right here. Right now. Pretty please?"

He looks at me in a confused manner. "Can't you just do that?"

I give him the 'are-you-fucking-serious' look.

"You are way stupider than you look. And that's pretty insulting, 'cause you look like a goddamn dropout," I deadpan.

Even Shiro looks like he's about to facepalm.

I shove the redheaded failure in Orihime's general direction.

"Just pull out some slick Kurosaki moves and she'll be putty in your hands. All I need you to do is convince her to never speak of the party again," I inform him.

After a few seconds of contemplation, I add, "Oh, and get her to convince Chizuru of the same thing by lesbianing her up."

"Eh?" is all I hear before the flustered teen is face to face with a wall of boob.

I'm about to stand back and watch my handiwork when Shiro drags me into the bushes.

"C'mon! Let's get front row seats!" he sings out excitedly.

I smirk as we both take a dive for the hedge.

Perfect vantage point. I guess this is how stalkers feel. Not bad.

"Shh, here, listen. They're talking," Shiro whispers.

"-didn't see you there, Ichigo! Haha, I should probably pay more attention to everything!"

"Oh, uh, ha, yeah, well, um, listen, I was wondering if you could, uh, do me a favor."

"Eh? What kind of favor?"

Shiro and I keep tabs on the two as Ichigo continues to stumble through the conversation.

Very suave.

Oh wait… someone's walking up to them… is that… oh hey, it's Rukia.

Wait…

…OH HELL NO.

"Shiro!" I whisper-shout frantically, shaking his shoulder. "It's Rukia! Ichigo's already lost his cool being forced to talk to Orihime, but he's gonna melt into a puddle if Rukia gets involved! Dude, we're fucked!"

I'm about to leap out of the bushes heroically when Shiro clamps his hand down on my arm, hard.

"Grimm," he says seriously. "Just… let it play out. Let's see how this works."

I scan his face for any sarcasm. Because this is quite obviously not going to work.

His eyebrows are set in a concerned bunch, his eyes strangely calm and his entire demeanor tensed. It seems that he's worried about his brother, but also… hopeful, maybe?

I smile inwardly. These two may act like dicks to each other, but it's nice to know that beneath the exterior they really do care. Just like me for Toshi. Not that I would ever tell him, though.

I'm jolted out of my musings by a slight yelp from the little group that we're spying on.

Ha, it was Ichigo. That loser.

"R-rukia! Ah, um, what are you doing here? I mean, ha, I didn't even see you, and then you were there, and then I, and you, and, uh…"

"Hi, Rukia!" greeted Orihime.

"Hi, Orihime!" Rukia returned warmly. "So what's up?"

Orihime smiled at her. "Well, Ichigo and I were talking, and then he asked me for a favor, but he didn't tell me what it was yet, so now we-"

"Ah! Wait! I, uh, I don't really need a favor! I didn't actually say that! I was, um, asking about, uh, a new flavor! Yeah! You know that ice cream place? The new one? Uh, haha, yeah, there are a bunch of weird flavors that I've never tried before, and they seem pretty fun! So I wanted to know which one you like!" Ichigo rambled.

Shiro and I both slap our faces at the same time. FACEPALM COMBO X2.

Fail.

Before I have time to react, Shiro worms out of the bushes and flies over to his twin.

As I stealthily blunder out, I can hear Shiro patching up the situation Ichigo got himself into.

"Hey, Rukia, Orihime, didn't see you guys there! Man, it's really nice out today! Oh, hey, did you guys hear about the new club that a senior started a week ago? He and his friends asked the admins if they could-"

Shiro grabs the two girls by the shoulders as he rambles on, and I quickly abscond the fuck out of there with Ichigo in a headlock.

As soon as we're out of earshot, I lean into his face and bitch hysterically. "What happened out there, Berry? I thought you were good with this sorta stuff?"

He draws up a slightly confused expression. "What gave you that idea?"

I open my mouth to begin rambling, but shut it promptly after I realize that this assumption was backed by no evidence whatsoever. "Uh… good point."

I sigh, rather depressed that my brilliant plan was defeated.

"Well, I guess I'll just go over and talk to Ori…" I begin to say, but trail off as I listen in on Shiro working the babes like the smooth operator he is.

"So you'll do it? Oh, wow, you're so great, Orihime! I would totally kiss you right now if I wasn't sure that you would undoubtedly slap me and hate my guts for it! I'm sure that Ichigo would really appreciate it. He's really concerned about his friends, you know."

The pasty pimp just adds to the flattery by casually picking up a strand of her auburn hair and idly spinning it in between skilled fingers. "I mean, Grimmjow can be a real ass, but we still like him to some degree for reasons still unknown."

I frown at this. That jerk will pay for that later.

"Well, if we're all good here, I'll just be going off! I'm gonna drag Kitten and Broski to school double time 'cause Ulqui just texted me. Says he needs something or another with us," Shiro laughs.

He's about to head over to where we're extremely unobviously eavesdropping from a few feet away when he rapidly spins back around to the girls and taps Rukia's shoulder a bit.

"Oh, and that reminds me, speaking of needing things, Ichigo really needs to talk to you about something, and he can't really do it now, but do you think that you could stop by the park after school today? And, Orihime, there's this really awesome bakery down the road from there that I've been dying to check out with you and Ishida, so if you can come, that would be awesome!" he states in a voice chalk-full of borderline-cocky confidence, leaving the two in question with no room to say no.

After a few unsure exchanges where two consents were finally dealt out, Shiro grinned and waved to our female friends as he danced back over to us before tugging us down the road at a brisk pace.

Ichigo looked ahead at his twin in a bored fashion. "So how did it go?"

Shiro sneered back at him and tightened his grip on both of our arms. "It went a hell of a lot better than your discourse did."

Ichigo flushed and looked away, muttering irritably.

"Well Grimm, I got you the princess' silence, and the crazy pervert girl's too," he informed me through a face-splitting grin.

He looked back at his twin a bit dangerously. "And I got you a date with Lil' Kuchiki, Ichi."

Eyes now wide in alarmed panic, the redheaded brother gaped at his sibling. "You did WHAT?"

"Ahahahahahaha!" was all that we got out of the albino as he broke into a run, leaving us to awkwardly try and maintain our footing as we trailed behind him.


	12. No Me Gusta College

"Dude, Ichigo, calm the fuck down!"

"I can't believe Shiro would just do that! I mean, he just went up to her, and then, and the-"

I shake him a little to prevent him from going any farther into insanity than he already is. Guy needs to get a fucking grip.

"Ichigo. I'm goin' down the tech hallway now. You need to go to the bathroom over there, chill the fuck out, get your shit sorted, and then go to your first period class. Okay?" I direct him.

He dazedly nods his head. I can't tell if it's confirmation that he understands, or if his nervous system has lost control of his neck muscles.

I give him a little push and watch him for a few seconds as he stumbles down the hallway before departing on my path. The bell won't ring for quite a bit, but I decided that it would be best to give the poor dude as much time to string his mind back together as possible.

I look once more over my shoulder to make sure that he hasn't collapsed yet. Girl troubles are the worst. I ponder my newfound bisexuality and ponder whether I should just go full out gay. Boobs might not be worth the pains of female complexity.

I sigh and salute him. Godspeed, brother.

I finally take off down my path, my mind clouded with each different way Ichigo could screw up his date.

I shake my head, trying to clear it. These thoughts are depressing.

I halt at the sound of muffled words and the clacking of a keyboard.

Ever the curious one, I can't help but sneak a glance through the slightly ajar door of the AP Computer Science room.

Oh? What's this?

Ulquiorra is hunched over a laptop flanked by two freshmen. I identify one as his little brother, Luppi, and the other…

…Oh, that's Szayel.

Enter: Szayel Aporro Granz. 15 years of age. Flamboyant, bubblegum pink hair crowns his angular face. Eyes the color of gold. Or puke. Take your pick. The guy is often teased 'cause he looks like a fag. Ylforte is his older brother, but they don't get along well at all. In fact, they pretty much hate each other's guts. The dude's pretty smart; gets straight A's, captain of the Science Olympiad team, and experiments on the genetic makeup of animal crossbreeds in his spare time. Also known for his cocky attitude. Like, extremely cocky. Nel had adequate reason to beat his face in.

"-So, Ulquiorra, if you can get into their system and shut down communication between administrators via email for today and maybe tomorrow, that should be enough," came Szayel's annoying voice.

Yeah, I don't really like him.

"That's a given, as I'm going to insert a virus to stop all activity, but I'm also going to hack some higher-up's email and alert the teachers that the chem lab classroom will be closed for a while beforehand. How long will you need?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Someone as perfect as me will only need two hours."

"Meh. That's too long Szayel. I bet that Ishida guy could get it done in one hour," Luppi teased.

"Why you little-"

"That's fine, Szayel. I'll give you two and a half, just in case."

Bleh. I can't take this. Time to make an appearance. Cue awesome music now.

"Hey guys! What's crackin?"

"ARGH!" Szayel yells as he slams his shoulder into a monitor in his attempt to see who burst in on them.

Luppi turns casually and grins cheekily.

Ulquiorra doesn't even turn around.

"Hello, Grimmjow."

My smirk drops a little. Damn that guy's good.

"Hey, weren't you supposed to help Luppi with his locker?"

"Finished."

The efficiency of this guy scares me.

I stride up to the group and lean on the back of Ulqui's chair. His screen has many windows opened, some code, a website, an email, and a Youtube video showing a dancing cat just to name a few. I process a strange window opened with a weird skull symbol and a password lock on it before he rapidly closes it.

"So what kinda dubious things are ya doing now?"

"I'm getting you your bribes. This is Szayel. He'll be the one prepping the drugs for you."

I give him a blank look. "Eh? How?"

Szayel scoffs at me. "It would take too long to explain it to a dunce like you, and I doubt that someone so imperfect could understand anyways."

"Nyehh." Luppi and I stick our tongues out at him in sync. I'm starting to like this kid.

Ulquiorra pauses his actions to turn to face me. "Don't worry about what he does. The game plan is to get you guys into Gotei 13 University, collect the materials from a student I have connections with in the dorms, go to the labs, let Szayel prep the drugs for use, give the supplier his share, the leave. Got it?"

"Whaaaat? But G13 is so lame," I whine. "Their campus is full of pretentious assholes."

"Well, two of those pretentious assholes are the key to your social life, so I suggest you suck it up," Ulquiorra replies casually.

"Tch."

I shut up and watch Ulquiorra do his hacker thing.

He's going through the university's website, typing some weird words with a bunch of parentheses and slashes and such on the laptop's notepad system. Suddenly, he opens up this massive code and deletes a bunch of stuff before replacing it with what he typed. Before he does anything else with that, he whips out a flash drive and plugs in into the laptop. Aww, it's a little squishy iPod necklace drive. Hehe, it's so mini and cute.

As I reach over him and start squishing it, I get quick glances of him opening up some fake email and chatting one of the professors. Not minutes later, he's logged onto the dean's account and typing up some bullshit email about how a dangerous spill in the lab is being cleaned and treated, and some of the equipment was destroyed, so they can't enter for around two and a half hours whilst the damage is being fixed. Not long after that, he pulls some file out of the flash drive, logs into his other fake professor email, and sends out the file to every administrator at G13, ensuring that when the email would be opened, the virus would immediately shut down all windows and prevent new ones from being opened.

"I'm also going to get an insider to go to the security office and mess with the wires from the lab's camera, so you guys won't be easily found out," Ulquiorra informs us.

I raise an eyebrow. "How many college students do you know that would be willing to help you on this sorta stuff?"

He doesn't bat an eyelash. "You will meet up meet up with Kon Kurosaki, the twins' older cousin, in the dorms. He will be with an old friend of mine, Tensa Zangetsu, who will be the one to cut the wires. Kon will lead you guys to the labs, as well as be the one that you give the remaining drugs to. You will require around twenty small baggies full of the stuff, considering that it's valuable and hard to come by, and so any extra you have you will give to him. Tensa will be more than willing to guide you through the school, but be careful around Kon. He's fun and all, but he's a real pervert. Think of Nnoitra, now multiply that by sixty-nine million. That's Kon. So tighten your belts, lock on some purity rings, and arm yourselves with pepper spray."

I look over at Szayel. He looks unfazed.

Ulquiorra nods his head in approval and closes all the windows before hibernating the laptop and packing it into his backpack.

"You will depart for HMU now. I've arranged for one last friend, a senior, to drive you and Szayel there. If anyone asks, Grimmjow, you had a mild fever today, and Szayel, you had to take care of your younger cousin on surprise notice because your aunt and uncle had a vicious fight and are staying in hotels, leaving their child at home. You parents are unable because they are working and Ylforte is too violent around children," the emerald-eyed teen feeds us.

I pout. "Why does he get the cool story?"

Szayel flips his hair. "Because perfection is always cool."

I'm about to show him how perfectly my knee fits in between his legs when Ulquiorra interrupts us.

"Listen, trash, I just got a call. Your ride is here. I'll escort you two down, and then it's up to you. Text me if you need anything."

I stand up, puff my chest out, and salute.

"Aye yaye, Captain," I chortle through a face-dividing grin.

If he actually displayed his emotions, I'm positive that he would have rolled his eyes just then. Tch, prudes just can't take a joke.

I'm rather reluctant to follow Szayel, but I have no option seeing as Ulquiorra is already ushering Luppi off to his class.

"But Ulqui~! I wanna go with Grimmy and Bubblegum! It's just one day! C'mon!"

"No Luppi. Go to class."

He turns around from the whining teen to address Szayel and I.

"You guys go down there, by the outside of the building. A senior named Lisa will be the one to drive you two. She may seem responsible, but she's a pretty intense driver, and if she whips out porn on the ride over, don't freak out; she's a practiced multitasker," he orders us.

Szayel just began to list off all the reasons that Lisa was imperfect when I grabbed him by the back of his shirt and hauled him down the stairs three at a time.

"Can it, Pinky. I'm onto you," I inform him quietly with a heated glare as I release his shirt.

I set a brisk pace down the hall, forcing him to jog to keep up. The image of that skull from Ulquiorra's laptop is etched into my mind. It seems so familiar, but I can't identify it.

He gives me a smirk. "What ever could you mean by that? I'm not up to anything."

We reach the doors of the school, but before he can sweep out the door, I once again grab his shirt, the front this time, and slam him into the wall.

"Listen," I hiss, "I don't know what Ulquiorra promised you, but if it's anything I should know about, I suggest you tell me now."

He narrows his eyes dangerously. "It's nothing you need to concern yourself with."

He shoves me off and spins out through the doors of hell- I mean school. Please pardon my French, but that dude's a fucking prick.

I trail him out of the building.

I immediately face a drop-dead gorgeous sleek light blue sports car. The awesome roofless type that's usually reserved for rich surfer dicks. Oh hell, I feel a boner coming on.

Oh hey, Szayel's flirting with the girl in the car. Boner gone.

The girl herself isn't unattractive by any means. It's just Szayel splaying himself over the hood of the car, disgracing its beauty with his diseased self. Yeah, did I mention that I don't like Szayel? 'Cause I really don't.

The girl looks over at me. "Hey! Kid! You coming?"

Enter: Lisa Yadomaru. Avid porn collector for 18 years. Steely turquoise eyes put off the innocence that her crimson glasses and long black hair, often braided, give off. I don't know much about her. Only a select few do; she's rather mysterious. She makes me a bit uncomfortable for some reason that I can't yet place. The only thing that she's not really subtle about is teasing her friends and lowerclassmen and reading her porn that she always keeps on hand. Everywhere.

"Uh, yeah. I'm coming," I call out.

I jog over, and when I see Szayel go around to sit in the passenger seat, I break into a sprint.

Szayel's hand is on the handle when I finally reach the car.

"SHOTGUN!" I yell as I flip over Lisa and into the seat Szayel was about to take.

I grin cockily as he flips me off and simply gets in the back.

Hahaha. I'm such a jerk. I love myself.

"You all strapped in?" asks Lisa with a bored expression gracing her face.

After we both gave our consent, she nods and mutters something about thanking the stars for seatbelts and bracing ourselves.

Nothing she said could have prepared me for when she slammed the key in, gave it a harsh twist, and floored the pedal all in less than five seconds.

Any screaming Szayel and I did was left behind at Hueco Mundo High, because we quite obviously broke the sound barrier.


	13. Shit Hits the Fan  Figuratively

Lisa pulls to a halt. I have no idea where we are, though, because I have yet to open my eyes.

And that, my friends, is why women shouldn't drive.

Szayel has apparently sensed that I will be of no use for a few minutes while I collect my wits, and questions Lisa.

"Um, Lisa, this isn't G13. Where are we, exactly?" Szayel asks cautiously.

I finally open my eyes and whimper a little, and as I do, I'm met with a furtive glance in both of our directions.

"Sorry about this, guys. I just need to run a quick errand," she replies tersely. "Stay in the car, leave me alone, and please don't have sex in my car. All questions and comments can and will be immediately rejected."

I stick my tongue out at her and Szayel just snorts.

As she gets out of the car, I take in my new surroundings. We're in the indoor, multi-story parking lot of some huge ass building. The sides of the lot are barricaded with concrete half-walls, but are otherwise open to the outside. Looking out, I can see the logos of countless big companies plastered to the skyscrapers surrounding us, along with the reflections of busy streets off polished windows. There's a park somewhere in the distance between the buildings, as well as the skeleton of a new tower rising off of a construction site. It's painfully obvious that we're in the city now, probably close to G13, but I can't put my finger on exactly what building we parked in.

Now glancing around the inside of the lot, I can see only a few other cars, but each is high end and ridiculously expensive-looking. There are maybe ten, eleven cars tops. But then there are the motorcycles. Beautiful, beautiful mechanisms of metallic glory. I could just eat one. But that would probably mess up my perfect, sexy teeth. There are exactly eight motorcycles, each one looking as though it was heavily customized to fit the owner. Hahaha, there's this little plaid striped one next to a huge flamed monster. Fail.

There's also an elevator and some stairs in the corner. Two little red lights are lit above the elevator and stairwell. We're on the first floor, and from what I can tell, this joint doesn't go up very far. Lisa heads over to the elevator and pulls out a mysterious golden card from her, ahem, upper undergarments. She opens the elevator, turns her back to us as if to hide something, and…

…Yup, looking at the buttons, there's only two floors. But, there's a keypad, and she swiped her card. What the…

I watch in amazement as a new panel of buttons pop out from the wall to the side of the elevator's doors, near the stairwell. There have to be at least twenty of them, all with negative numbers.

I look over at Szayel to see what his take is on all this, but he's fiddling with his phone. Silently, I lean over the seat and tap his shoulder. He's about to make some obnoxious remark when I lift a finger to my mouth. My serious expression seems to have shut him up.

He gives me a questioning look. I quickly point over to Lisa and the elevators, and he eyes the many buttons dubiously, also acknowledging that they can't have been there a minute ago.

He slips his phone into his pocket and smoothly climbs over the side of the car, motioning for me to do the same. Together, we leave the car and squish together behind the nearest support pillar. I awkwardly situate myself while balancing Szayel as he leans over slightly, spying on Lisa. I hear the tap of a button being pressed, a few light footsteps, and the mechanical shut of the elevator.

"She's gone."

Immediately, Szayel and I topple onto the ground from our hiding place, the sound of bodies hitting the pavement accented by hushed curses.

I look over at Szayel from my spot on the floor. He gathers himself up and dusts off his clothes before meeting my eyes.

Apprehension. That's what I find swimming in his golden irises. He knows that something isn't right too.

"That… that's not normal, right?" I ask.

He nods. "Something is up."

I lift myself off of the ground. As I do, I notice that the red lights have turned green.

"Hey, Szayel, those lights were red before. What could they…?"

I'm quickly silenced as they turn yellow. I've taken driver's ed long enough to know what yellow light means.

On an impulse, I grab the freshman's hand and bolt over to the door of the stairs, slamming open the door and dragging my lowerclassman down with me.

"Hey!" he protests as we fly down the stairwell. I don't respond to him, instead, set on getting to the bottom of wherever I thought I should be going. Which at the moment, was down. Not sure why, but adrenaline was pumping through my veins, giving me a better high than any illegal drug Zommari did could give.

Szayel quiets very rapidly, and I spare him a glance. His hair is flying wildly about him and his eyebrows are furrowed in concern. His eyes focus on something every time we take a turn, and quickly I catch on.

The lights are here too. It's still yellow, but it's slowly blinking now. That's concerning.

"Grimmjow," Szayel says. His voice is pinched. "We need to hurry. Get to floor eleven. That's where Lisa got off. That's where you want to go, right?"

I simply nod, still hauling him down.

We pass a door and I spare it a glance. Negative seven. Just a little bit farther.

Szayel and I both look up at the same time. Szayel's breath hitches, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it, but I can tell that it's not good. The light is flashing much faster now.

"Hurry, Grimmjow. Something is going to happen when that light turns red again, and although I'm not sure what it will be, I can assure you that it will not benefit us in the slightest," whispers Szayel.

I give him another nod and grimace a little. What have I gotten myself into? Ulquiorra told us to be careful. Well, careful around Kon, but careful nonetheless.

We are quite farther down the stairwell now, and I take note that I missed level negative eight as we breeze past negative nine. I concentrate on the immediate stairs in front of me to take my mind off what may happen if we don't reach a door negative eleven in time. A thought whips through my mindscape and I immediately present the notion to Szayel, who by now, I have dubbed as the temporary brains of the operation.

"Hey, Szayel? Why don't we just get off on a closer floor and avoid whatever might happen if we stay here after the light goes red?" I propose.

Szayel nearly trips over the stairs as he listens to me, and replies as I right him up.

"I've already thought about that. That presents us with many problems. One, we may be caught by someone we don't know, and that could leave us with some…"

He trailed off, shooting a look at the light.

"…Serious repercussions. Lisa is being nice to us for now, but we definitely can't guarantee safety around others here. And I think that we've come to the conclusion that people around here aren't the best company. Another thing that I've pieced together is that what is most likely going to happen if the light turns red is that all the doors will lock. I mean, it's not like they'll release poison gas or anything lethal like that. Not much can happen, if you think about it logically. Getting to level negative eleven will allow us to find out what Lisa is doing, and on top of that, we can also get back into the stairwell when she uses her card again," Szayel informs me.

I nod, comprehending the logic in what he says. Which is a new one for me.

I spot the level negative ten door a flight down. I'm about to reassure Szayel that we've almost made it when his grip on my arm tightens painfully.

"Grimmjow."

It's barely above a whisper.

I hiss at the pain, and am about to tell him to kindly fuck off when I catch his expression.

It's nothing like I would expect to ever see Szayel like. The usually cocky, arrogant, asshole looks disheveled, pained, and, strangest of all, frightened.

"Grimmjow," he repeats. A finger points. "The light."

I look up at the goddamn light once more and pale until my complexion rivals Ulquiorra's.

The light is flashing at, well, light speed. It almost looks like it's not blinking at all. Bad sign. Baaaad sign.

We make it to negative ten and I lean over the railing slightly in my frenzied pace. Negative eleven is probably four turns down, judging from the distance of the others. Fuck it. I'm not gonna be trapped in some dubious building's stairwell today.

"Grab on, Granz."

"Eh?"

I don't give him time to react as I sling the freshman around, wrap my arm around his chest, and jump.

He squeals like a chick and I grunt as we hit the bottom. One down. Three more bone-crushing jumps to go.

"Grimmjow! That's really bad for your legs and back! The perfect being can't take but so much-"

"Shut the fuck up Szayel," I growl as I make the next jump.

For once, he listens. Pain shoots through my legs as I ground the next jump, now carrying the freshman. I try to walk, but it's getting really hard. I quickly realize that I can't make two more jumps, and running is now out of the question.

Panting hard, inspiration dawns on me. Stupid as hell, but inspiration nonetheless. I spare myself a mental chuckle. If Ulquiorra knew what I was about to do, he would call me trash. Lil Shiro would just smash my head into the wall. I'm not sure which would hurt more.

"Granz, if you wanna fucking live, I suggest that you grab onto my back right fucking now," I manage to choke out through wheezes.

He doesn't argue with me, instead wrapping his arms tightly around my shoulders, making sure to avoid my neck.

I feel the grip tighten considerably as I once again leap over the railing. This time, however, I hold into the jail-cell like bars leading to the floor, preventing me from reaching the other landing. Once I feel my fingers hit the floor, I grip onto it hard, swinging myself clumsily under the stairs, rocketing towards the negative eleventh door, just where I predicted it would be. My plan would have been flawless if I had taken into account the extra weight on my back. Instead of heroically shooting through the door, I bite the dust. Hard.

Groaning, I can almost hear my body break in two. I'm seeing stars when I feel Szayel kick open the door and drag my limp form out. The creamy white of the stairs turns to navy blue as I'm lain down in the hallway of the negative eleventh floor. Szayel is immediately behind me, lifting me up to a sitting position when we see the door click close. Three seconds later, the light turns red, and, as Szayel guessed, mechanisms slid into place, locking the door. Preventing anyone from getting in.

Preventing anyone from getting out.

I silently take in the situation we are now in. We're in a building. Actually, scratch that. We're TRAPPED in a building. We're probably surrounded by people who would detain and/or kill us on sight. The only person in here that we're on good terms with is missing-in-action, carrying out suspicious actions, and probably just as dangerous as anyone else here. I'm probably injured somewhere, and Szayel is exhausted from the stair running. And we have no way out.

After giving the area a once over and peeking around the corners, Szayel jogs over to me and checks me for injuries.

I let him; sure, I don't like him touching me, but it's necessary. Bleh.

He sits back on the balls of his feet and meets my gaze. "Well, that fall looked pretty brutal, but you seem to be fine. Weakened, of course, bu-"

He cuts of suddenly. I'm about to ask why when I hear it too.

Footsteps. Angry shouting.

I'm about to leap for cover when I realize that there's nothing around to hide behind. I prepare to leap anyways when Szayel stares at me intensely and motions for me to stay still. I swallow my fear and stay rooted to the spot, trusting him to save my neck along with his own.

I can sense that the owners of the voices are basically around the corner. I see the back of one of their shoes. Szayel is facing me, but he catches my expression and freezes up.

The yelling gets considerably louder, and I finally process that it's in some other language. I do recognize one word though.

Somewhere in their angry verbal battle, they said "Vizards."

A single thought crosses my mind.

Shuuhei.

I immediately begin freaking out over what he got himself into, countless thoughts all running through my mind at once.

He said they're only into dealings, but if they have their own kickass secret base with hidden floors then they must be totally legit! Oh shit, what if they're involved in political scandals? What if they're into kidnapping? Have they killed anyone? How is Shuu wrapped up in all this? Do they know how whales have sex? Maybe they caused global warming!

I quickly take my figurative train of thought and run it off an abandoned bridge. Haha, they're not into that stuff. The drugs maybe, but not anything too violent. I mean-

My thoughts are interrupted by a gunshot.

I somehow process that Szayel's hand shoots up to his mouth and he bites down on it. His eyes are watering. He looks kinda like he's screaming, but no sound is coming out. I can't really figure out why though. Blood runs down one of his fingers, and that's when I see it.

In his glasses, I see my reflection. I'm wide-eyed, mouth hanging open, body fully tensed. And suddenly I remember why.

All behind Szayel, there's blood. So much blood. Way too much blood to fit in a single human body. There's too much. I'm frozen in shock. It all comes rushing in, and I can't even try to comprehend it all at once.

There's a man on the floor.

He's lying in a pool of his own blood.

There's a hole in his forehead.

He's dead.

And the other guy will more than likely come over here to get rid of the evidence.

We are evidence.

I feel myself about to scream when Szayel's hand clamps down over my mouth and I hold it in the best I can. He's squeezing the shit out of me, but I can understand why. We just experienced someone get murdered. Murdered. As in, they're dead. Forever. And we're probably next.

I watch, terrorized, as a shadow lays itself across the body. It's huge. The guy must be a fucking monster.

Suddenly, the shadow withdraws and I hear footsteps echoing into the distance.

He left.

I lay slack as Szayel slowly pulls away and turns around. After somewhat calming himself, he looks back to me, stands up, and brushes himself off like everything is fine.

"Grimmjow. We need to move."

He extends his hand to me, trying to take control of the situation and save our asses. But his hand is shaking. We're in the same boat here. As I take his hand, it seems like we reach a mutual agreement. We may not like each other, but here in this hellhole, we need someone that we can trust. He draws me up and I pull myself together as well.

A stray glance falls on the body before I direct my gaze back to my new friend.

"What do we do about… ya know… _him?_" I ask awkwardly.

Szayel spares the body a look once more before grabbing my arm and walking in the opposite direction that the guys came from. That only one returned to.

"We leave him. The less we know about this, the safer we are."

And that was that.

We stalked through the halls aimlessly, looking for Lisa, or maybe a map.

What we found wasn't quite what we were expecting, but it was something.

"Hey, Szayel, check it out," I whisper, pointing to some double doors.

They were translucent, and I could see some more people through them. There were maybe eight. Just like the number of motorcycles.

Szayel nearly bites me in his attempts to keep me from getting closer to the doors. He fails epicly, though, because the resolve coursing through my system has me dead set on finding out more about our senior friend. And by now, I am almost positive that she's one of the people in the room.

I sneak over, careful to tread lightly, and halt just to the left of the windows to death- I mean doors.

I'm about to listen in like the professional spy I am when I hear the voices getting closer, accompanied by Szayel motioning for me to get my ass out of there with huge hand gestures. So I abandon my secret agent fantasy and abscond the fuck out of there. The two of us stumble around the corner and into what Szayel had discovered was an unoccupied supply closet, but not before I've taken note of the miniature engraving above the doors.

We're breathing heavily when we hear more voices go by. One of them is unmistakably Lisa's. The other two are interesting. One is definitely male, but it sounds too joking and snotty for my liking. The other is a female, but she sounds like a bratty little kid.

"…Have to wait. I'm watching over the production right now. It would have gotten done sooner if you hadn't called me over here for a meeting."

That was Lisa.

"That's right, dumbfuck! We don't need goddamn meetings! Man invented cellphones and email for a motherfucking reason!"

Wow, the little brat cusses like a sailor.

"Hey, hey, don't blame me! We all agreed that these meetings were for the best. Besides, all of our current subordinates are getting way too out of hand. That meeting had to be held in person. We could be bugged. I mean, what was even up with that receptionist's death? We don't need anything from receptionists. And I sure as hell didn't authorize that."

Oh god.

"Well, I need to get back to the matter at hand. I have two highschoolers in my car, and they really don't like each other, so I need to strap them down before my car gets a new coat of red paint."

Haha. Oh, Lisa. What cruel irony.

"Red paint? What do you mean?"

Maybe the dude is a lot stupider than I first thought. But he's still scary as fuck.

A loud smacking sound resonates through the hall and closet, accompanied by a glorious, "SHIT!"

"God, Shinji, she means blood! Freaking blood! You know, that stuff in your body that comes out whenever I stick a fucking knife in you? It's red! Get with it!"

Wait… Shinji? Rings a bell…

"Ahaha, wow Hiyori, that really hurt…"

"Shut up you two."

They trail off into the distance, still bickering back and forth.

Szayel and I step out of the closet.

"Holy shit."

"I second that motion."

I give him a look. "What now?"

"Well, aren't we supposed to use Lisa as a way out?" he reminds me.

Oh shit on the motherfuck.

I get a burst of inspiration, this time, a lot more clever than my last one.

I race into the closet, grab poster paper, duct tape, and a mega Sharpie, and shoot off towards the elevator. Szayel is behind me, trying to keep up as we weave around the building back the way we came at lightspeed, somehow avoiding confrontation.

My chest tightens as I leap over the body, the blood now dried up in some areas. I ignore it, instead rooted on the idea of keeping my own head intact.

I work quickly, taping the poster onto the elevator doors, also covering the button beside the card panel in the sticky shit. Satisfied, I uncap the marker and begin scribbling frantically.

Szayel, instead of questioning me, checks around the corners for any sign of our senior buddy.

Trust. Get some. Booyah.

Szayel prods me.

"Hey, they're coming. You done?" he asks, looking up at my work and smirking a little.

I return the grin and nod. Together, we go to the unoccupied lounge room two doors down and wait.

"...Can just shove it, Baldy! Get a real job!"

"This is a real job. And I'm practically your boss, so-"

"YOU SO ARE NOT!"

"Hey, shut up. I'm leaving now, you guys. Try not to kill each other. And if you do, don't get anything dirty."

"Whatever. Bye, Lisa."

"Sure thing, Lisa. Have fun with your little high school friends."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll make sure to… What the hell? The elevator is out of order?"

"Eh?"

"What?"

"Whoever the fuck did this has really bad handwriting. We should hire more literate faculty members."

Well that was RUDE.

"Haha, yeah. Or maybe it was just someone trying to screw with you."

Szayel and I freeze at this. If she takes the elevator anyways, we'll have no way of getting out. Going down stairs is one thing, but going up is a whole other story. And we're tired as fuck on top of that.

"Nah, I don't think so, asswipe. People don't usually mess with Lisa. It's only you that they do this sorta stuff to."

"Hey!"

A sigh. "She's right, though. I'll just take the stairs. Later, guys."

"Yeah, okay, bye."

"Get me ice cream while you're out!"

Footsteps retreat. A door opens, then clicks shut.

That's our cue.

We exit the closet, both of us releasing breaths we didn't know we had been holding. I look over to Szayel to find that he's grinning back at me.

I'm about to comment when he shoulders me and jogs towards the elevator.

"Elevator first. Talking later."

"Agreed."

The light is still green, and I'm pretty sure that the elevator moves a lot faster than the stairs, so we basically have a get home free card. I rip the poster and tape off, getting the tape all twisted around my arm in the process. As I fumble with the tape, Szayel presses the button, pulling me onto the elevator with him.

I'm still sparring with the adhesive piece of hell as I hear a button pressed, accompanied by shutting doors and a sigh of relief.

"We made it, Grimm."

I look up at him. I can't fight the grin that works its way onto my face. "Hehe, that's right, Pinky."

He smirks a little at the old nickname. It fades when he checks out my hands.

"Really, Grimmjow? We need to get that off before Lisa sees, or she'll know that we were down there," he says evilly before leaning down to forcefully rip it off, taking skin with it.

"SHIT!"

* * *

><p>When Lisa finally exits the stairs, she sees us sitting in the car.<p>

Well, okay, not exactly sitting. We're kinda beating the crap out of each other. Sort of.

I can't really imagine what she thinks when she sees me halfway pulled over the back of the passenger seat with Szayel's hands around my throat, my face buried in his neck, my arms clawing at his shirt.

Well, actually, I can. And it's really fucking gross. Enough to keep my dick from becoming erect until I die. Or until I got into Ulquiorra's pants. Whichever comes first.

We see her give us a dead stare before casually getting in the driver's seat.

I manage to hide my newfound apprehension of the girl.

Szayel lets go of me haughtily, like the fucking chick he is, deciding that I'm the lesser of two evils. The greater of the two being Lisa's driving skills. Which she applies very deftly to our situation.

I keep my eyes open this time, taking in the world around us as she speeds through the city. I notice a lot more stuff. What could that man be hiding in his trench coat? How did that teenager get that baby? Why does that lady looked so rushed? Is there a reason that group of people is going into that alley? How come that chick is being held so tightly by that dude? Why is that kid all alone?

I stop myself quickly. If I keep asking stuff like this, I'll end up emo. Or worse, crazy. Like Ggio's cousin.

Oh hell no.

I settle for staring blankly at the clouds, letting the wind ruffle my hair in a totally sexy way.

My cloud-gazing is interrupted by a massive arch that we pass under. It was only for a second, but I still processed the metallic "GOTEI 13 UNIVERSITY" nailed onto the top.

I whip my head up, looking around. She's already in front of the school. Damn, she's fast.

"This is your stop. Now get the fuck out. Tensa will drive you back. Have fun with your goodies," she says blandly.

We respect her wishes and remove our asses from her awesome car. Which she proceeds to floor out of the building's property.

How polite of her.

"Well hello there."

We both snap around at the voice. I almost drop dead at what I see.

It's Ichigo. Well, except he's taller. And his hair's just a little longer. And he's not arm in arm with his ghostly twin. Oh, and he's smiling. But in a creepy way. In a veryyyy creepy way.

I guess this is Kon.

Someone new steps out from behind him. The kid is a lot shorter than Kon, but he looks a helluva lot smarter. He has wavy dark brown hair and pale blue eyes. He kinda reminds me of Starrk. He even has the same blank expression to complete it. Except Starrk's is lazy; this dude means business. This is definitely Tensa.

"Don't mind him. He's an idiot," Tensa assures us. "I'm Tensa. He's Kon."

Kon pouts. "Heyyyy, you're so mean! C'mon, gimme a chance!"

He turns to us, his grin plastered across his face once again.

"To clarify, I'm Kon, the sex god of G13, and this is Tensa, my sidekick. We'll be your tour guides for the day."

* * *

><p><strong>ALRIGHT EVERYONE. THEY DAY IS THE 22ND OF JUNE, 2013, AND I AM FINALLY UPDATING. WELL, STARTING TO. I JUST REREAD ALL OF THIS AND MADE TINY CHANGES SO THAT EVERYTHING WOULD STAY CONSISTENT BECAUSE IT KIND OF SUCKED BEFORE AND I APOLOGIZE. THE NEWEST CHAPTER WILL COME OUT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, I SWEAR. EXPECT IT IN AROUND 3 DAYS OR LESS. I HOPE.<strong>


	14. Awkward, Naked, and Left For Dead

**A/N**

**GUESS WHO HAS RETURNED  
><strong>**THE ANSWER IS ME****  
>AND THE CHAPTER IS DONE SO YAY<br>IT'S BEEN AN ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR AND THIS IS THE BEST I CAN VOMIT ONTO PAPER SO I APOLOGIZE  
>BUT SERIOUSLY IF YOU'RE STILL READING THIS THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY AN ANGEL<br>ANYWAYS I HAD A BIT OF TROUBLE WRITING THIS CHAPTER AND THIS IS THE BEST IT'S GONNA GET AND I HOPE TO WRAP THINGS UP SOON AND EVERYTHING IS FALLING TOGETHER SO WOOOO THIS WILL BE DONE BY THE END OF THE SUMMER I SWEAR ON MY LIFE**

* * *

><p>"That's my butt."<p>

"I know."

I make a face and kick out behind me when Kon continues to grab my ass. A small "oof" gives me confirmation that my foot made contact with his shin. Talk shit, get hit.

Szayel simply folds his arms and rolls his eyes, muttering something about "primitive Neanderthals." At this point, I'm too tired to care about what he thinks anymore.

There aren't many people in this building at all, and everyone who is here looks lost. Ulquiorra and Szayel did a good job clearing things for this, even though this particular building is small in comparison to the others anyways.

Tensa split off from us not long ago to head to the security offices, giving us a look that clearly read "be careful" before disappearing into the halls. He kept Kon away from Szayel and I when he was around, but now there really wasn't anything restraining the dude. I kinda miss him now that he's gone. He was pretty chill. Cool, calm, collected, but he wasn't boring either, and he was constantly watching out for me whether he knew it or not. Also, his hair was really nice.

He reminds me of Ulquiorra a lot.

"So remind me, Kon, where's the lab?" I turn to him as we walk down the halls, once again brushing him off when he reaches to loop an arm around my shoulders.

Kon grins, laughing lightly as he once again retracts his arm. "The chemistry torture chamber is on the third floor a few more halls down." He slings his hands into his pockets, signaling that the grope-fest is over for the time being and continues to speak. "We'll be there in no time. All the materials are in bags inside the room, fresh shipped from a supplier comrade on the south side of town. Oh, that reminds me!" Kon's face lights up with sudden realization and he turns to Szayel, who gives him a curious look. "I'm supposed to show you one of the bio labs while we're here. Got a message from Ulquiorra that it was part of your deal."

Amber eyes glint and the corners of his lips curl upwards as Szayel processes what Kon said. "Yes, I'd appreciate that," he purrs, licking his lips in interest.

Even Kon is slightly creeped out after that, but he brushes it off as nothing and starts to take us up a flight of stairs. "Well, whatever, I'll drop the feisty one off at the chem lab so he can stare at the ingredients while we pop by whatever is waiting for you in those labs. Just breeze in and breeze out because you still have to finish within, what was it? Two and a half hours?"

"I'll be finished in two," Szayel scoffs, turning his head to the side like he's pissed that people keep underestimating him.

Kon just nods and smiles sarcastically while he fishes a loop of keys out of his pocket, swinging it once around his finger before grabbing it and going through the mess of metal. The redhead begins to whistle as he searches for the right key, a bit too carefree when given the fact that we're doing something highly illegal. The illegal part doesn't bother me, but getting caught up in Vizard affairs does.

Humming happily when he finds it, Kon jams the key into the lock and opens the door to the lab. "In ya go, hot stuff. I'll take our ambitious amigo to his present and be back in a snap," Kon informs me, winking and snapping as he pushes me into the room and locks the door behind me.

"Wha- Hey- WAIT!" I have a minor panic attack as I'm left alone, pressing my face up against the door like an octopus suction-cupped to another octopus suction-cupped to something else that is suction-y.

Szayel might be an ass and Kon might be a Kurosaki bitch, but they're still people that I can use as human shields in the event of a gang fight.

Okay, so I'm worried about gangs. Sue me. Even rough, tough, sexalicious guys like me need to be careful.

I sigh, giving up with the stupid dumbass door and walking over to the desks, observing the large bags I see on the tables. They look like they came from a gardening store for senior women. Fancy.

I'm about to disregard them and start spitting at college students walking below when I breeze past and get a whiff of the stuff.

"Shiiiit." I cough a little and back up, holding my nose and pressing up against the wall. I'm no stranger to drugs, but I'm not an addict either. I think. Well, anyways, whatever is in that bag is either hella levels of exotic, or lethal as an Amazon with a strap on in a room of nerds. Which is to say that it's really intense.

I decide to get a pair as I approach the bag again, making a disgusted face as I look inside of one of the bags to see—

Hell, is that a body part? Christ, what are these people smoking?

I'm still staring at the bag in horror when Kon and Szayel come back in. I notice that Szayel looks overjoyed while Kon looks a little off, but Szayel's expression soon sours when he sees my reaction to whatever he thinks is in the bag. Kon just looks sheepish as he runs over and grabs a few of the bags, taking them under his arm and away from me.

"Haha, sorry 'bout that, just groceries," he chuckles, smiling apologetically.

Groceries. So that's what kids are calling them these days. HA.

I still feel a little sick, but at least dead people aren't going into the drugs. That is one thought that I never would have expected to cross my mind before today.

Kon turns after putting the other bags into the hall. "You have two and a half hours. You might wanna start soon. We've already used up like 10 minutes."

Szayel shushes him and ties his hair into a ponytail, rolling up his sleeves and chewing on his lower lip as he begins to inventory the collection of ingredients. Ha. Nerd.

I sit on a desk and watch quietly as Szayel works.

Kon notices and pulls up a seat, sitting next to me. "So…"

I spare him a glance. Pff. Kurosakis. Awkward little shits.

He looks over to me and speaks again. "From what I heard about you, I expected you to be louder. Maybe dumber and more violent?"

"I am. Just not in the mood right now."

"Aww, c'mon. Anytime is the right time for angry dumbfuckery, right?" Kon grins and gives me a thumbs up.

Tch. Kurosakis.

"I said I'm not in the mood," I reply, sounding more tired than annoyed. "It's been a long day."

Kon laughed a little. "Aww, what, did you miss the bonus question on your itty bitty math qui—"

"No, don't even START. I wake up today and help my little brother put on his SHOE, and then I deal with bisexual feelings for someone I used to hate for reasons that I don't really remember and then someone got fucking SHOT in the goddamn HEAD and it's all real all of a sudden and now I'm in a GODDAMN UNIVERSITY MAKING DRUGS WITH A FRESHMAN AND MY FRIENDS' PERV COUSIN BECAUSE I NEED TO GIVE THEM TO A STONER WITH A YOGA ADDICTION AND ANOTHER STONER WHO IS PROBABLY INVOLVED WITH THE VIZARDS WHO ACTUALLY TURN OUT TO BE DANGEROUS LITTLE SHITS ALL BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK AT A PARTY AND AM NOT READY TO LET THE REST OF THE SCHOOL KNOW THAT I MAKE OUT WITH BOYS."

I'm standing on the desk by the time I finish my tirade, huffing and clenching my fists like I'm about to go Hulk.

Kon just looks stunned and Szayel opens his mouth to say something. Probably something rude and uncalled for.

I shut that shit down right there.

"Well I think—"

"NO."

Szayel shuts up. Probably because I look like I'm ready to fight a dinosaur.

"You know what? I don't even care anymore. Guess what, world? I like dudes! I like girls too! I like dicks and pussies! I also think that Ulquiorra is really hot and I want to suck his cock! There! I said it! I enjoy looking at women with large boobs just as much as I like checking out dudes with huge packages and hot asses! Also, I'm afraid of chopsticks! I want to leave this place, go back to school, grab Ulquiorra, go to a restaurant, and spoon feed him soup while we casually brush legs underneath the table, and then I want to go home with him and watch him do his homework while I play with his hair, then I want to watch a movie and hold hands and then maybe go out into the street and fight some thugs because I don't like the way they look at me, then maybe fight Ulquiorra because he seems stronger than he looks, then I wanna go home and CUDDLE WITH HIM UNTIL I FALL ASLEEP. AND I WAS ALWAYS MORE OF A DOG PERSON THAN A CAT PERSON," I declare extravagantly, kicking a chair over for dramatic effect.

Szayel and Kon stare at me for a good while.

After a bit, Kon begins to clap and Szayel says, "Oh."

I'm still breathing heavily when Kon takes me arm and sits me down again, patting my back while Szayel collects himself and tries to work again.

"That was… kind of out of the blue. But impressive. Definitely impressive," he states.

"I can't believe I just said all of that in front of Szayel," I reply weakly, suddenly realizing what I openly admitted to.

"Hey, hey, it doesn't matter who you say it to! What matters is that you said it. Now all you have to do is tell everyone else." Kon smiles like it's the simplest thing in the world.

Newsflash. IT'S NOT.

Suddenly, I process that I'm being stared at by both of them. Nobody moves.

I begin to panic as my moment of bravery and recklessness fades.

Oh my god what did I just say the entire point of this was to keep this from happening I just screwed up everything dammit Halibel was right I hate it when Tia's right I wonder how much money she and Starrk bet on if I would come out does this even count as coming out I mean I knew it for a while and it was okay-ish but no one knew and now people do actually I guess that's what coming out is oh my god did I just come out to Szayel he is like the worst possible person to come out to what am I doing are they still looking at me maybe if I close my eyes long enough they'll disappear or maybe it's like the video games where if you don't move the monster can't see you okay I'll just wait no that's stupid this is all stupid wait oh no now that Szayel and Kon know everyone's gonna know maybe I can just silence them too but I've come so far do I really want to go back now wait actually I came pretty far with the whole drug and gang scandal thing too but being openly bi is kinda strange for me I mean it's not incredibly terrible or anything actually wait yES IT IS how am I going to go home and tell Dad he's going to be a creep about it and don't even start with Toshiro that little prick Mom probably won't care but what if she does what if she hates me I don't want Mom to hate me who am I kidding Mom will be fine Mom is chill with everything and Dad is Mom's bitch so Dad will just be a creep in the corner but Toshiro is gonna be an annoying little actually no I trust lil bro more than that he'll be okay but then Nnoitra oh god what what what what how am I going to survive him and his asshole self maybe I just won't tell him Hali is the most mature out of like everyone she'll be fine and Starrk is too tired and stoned to care but Nnoitra dammit and then there's—

A whole new wave of frantic anxiety sets in when I begin to think about Ulquiorra. Telling a crush that you like them is hard. Having a crush on someone who supposedly is unable to feel is harder. Coming out as bisexual to the guy that you have a crush on without knowing if he swings that way is unrealistic levels of hard. I am going to die.

Maybe I just won't tell anyone anymore. And strangle Szayel. Dead men tell no tales.

It must be obvious that I'm melting into a puddle of shame and regret, because Kon puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it reassuringly.

I respond by hissing and falling off the desk like a victim of a demonic possession.

"Hey, whoa, let's all take it easy," Kon starts, holding his hands up in defense. "Calm down, Grimmjow, I'm not going to shoot you or anything."

'"I'm not a fucking idiot, I know you aren't going to shoot me, douche," I mutter.

Trying to collect myself and backtrack on this situation, I stand up and palm the back of my head, grinning like there's nothing wrong. "Haha, erm, that was really out of nowhere, haha. Damn, must be the drugs! I have pretty low tolerance for these thing—"

"I haven't opened the ingredients yet, Grimmjow." Szayel looks at me, unimpressed with the excuse. "You are breathing in nothing but oxygen and other natural contaminants."

Oh.

"But you'd be lying regardless of whether there were drugs in your system or not. I already had my suspicions about your sexuality and I knew about Ulquiorra too. After your first little speech, when you ever so kindly interrupted me, I was going to tell you." Szayel turns around like he doesn't care and starts to work again.

What.

"Wait! How did you— I didn't tell— It's not even possible— What the hell, Szayel?"

He regards me idly. "Ulquiorra's little brother, Luppi? We're in the same grade. We don't like each other because he's an annoying little imp, but he's a loudmouth and he told me about everything involving you, Ulquiorra, and a little incident in the French classroom. But there's more than that. Ulquiorra tells Luppi everything, which is not very smart of him because Luppi can't keep secrets for the life of him. He seems to remember every little interaction with you, in detail nonetheless. And you're a simple person, Grimmjow. I can read you like an open book." He sighed like this all bored him immensely. "I don't even know if I'm trying to make you feel better or trying to shut you up. Truly, I don't really care about you and your personal affairs, but you shouldn't worry about Ulquiorra taking your feelings badly because he hasn't so far, and it doesn't seem like he will. He'll either turn you down politely because he sees you in a positive light, or he'll accept how you feel. Ulquiorra is hard to understand, but I'm sure everything will turn out fine. Now shut up and leave me alone. Go do something stupid in the corner, and do it quietly." Szayel looks annoyed, and I can't tell if he's annoyed at me or annoyed at himself for helping.

Well, either way, Szayel isn't too bad. Sometimes.

"I… uh…" I trail off intelligently, staring at him like he grew another head.

Maybe he's right. _Maybe. _So maybe I'll tell Ulquiorra. Possibly.

But if I was able to say it at all, that's a start. I should probably tone down the crazy a notch, though.

I mentally slap myself when I remember that I'm still in the middle of a huge drug scandal and we're wasting time. Personal things later, Grimmjow. Drugs first.

"Right… so… now that it's all out in the open… I guess we don't really need the drugs anymore?" I look over at Szayel, who pauses and looks at the two of us.

"Hey, Kon, it'd be really great it you could—"

"I'm afraid I can't let you guys out just yet." Kon seems a little different. I don't know if I'm 100% sane right now, but I can still feel some pretty tense vibes coming from him. "It'd be a shame to go through all this trouble and not get any products in the end, so we may as well go through with it, right? There's gonna be a lot of money wasted if we get nothing out of this," he reasons.

I shrug. "Well I guess, but—"

"And besides—" Kon leans back in his chair, kicking his feet up on the table. "—you guys get to miss school! This is a win-win situation!"

He has a point. "Got me there." I look over my shoulder at Szayel. "You down with that?"

The freshman waves me off. "As long as I still get my end of the deal."

I frown. What IS Szayel's end of the deal? Ulquiorra never told me, and I still don't know what happened in the bio lab or whatever. I'll have to look into that later.

"Two hours left," Kon tells us, leaning back again and relaxing as he watches Szayel work.

It takes me around 30 seconds to get bored and antsy again. "I'm bored," I whine, slamming my head on the desk.

Kon pulls out a deck of cards. "Wanna play?"

"Fuck yeah. Game?"

"Poker."

"STRIP poker."

"You're on."

90 minutes and seven articles of clothing later, I throw my cards down in anger.

"This is so rigged!"

"Hahaha, I swear, it's not!" Kon is on the floor, fully-clothed, and now laughing at me in my cartoon skull patterned briefs.

Huffing angrily, I turn around to storm away and yell a little when I find myself face-to-face with Szayel.

He backs up like he's disgusted to be so close to my scantily-clad body and pushes one of my socks off a desk. "Everything is done, just like I said. There's enough to fill around 70 of the little plastic bags about halfway."

"Wait, 70? That's wayyyy more than—"

"Don't worry about it, Grimmjow. They're for me. You're going to take five of the bags for the guy that you wanted to bribe, and I'll handle the rest," Kon cuts in, collecting the cards and slipping them into his pocket before walking over to everything that Szayel made.

"Hey hey hey, wait, all of that? Ulquiorra said that I was supposed to grab 20," I protest, stopping Kon from getting any closer.

Kon frowns at me. "If the rest is for Shinji, then I'll get it to him."

Now it's my turn to frown. "I didn't ever tell you their names. I only told you that there were two of them. How did you know that one of them was Shinji?"

The frown quickly turns into a look that clearly reads "oh shit," but is just as quickly masked. "Oh, haha, Ulquiorra told me when he called me about you. Just sorta slipped the names in, nothing big."

My frown deepens, but I let it go. I'm probably just paranoid.

Or maybe my spidey-sense is tingling!

…Yeah, I'm definitely off my rocker.

"Well, if you two are done being dumb, I am ready to leave. I still have classes, you know." Szayel goes to a sink and washes off his hands, pulling his hair back down and dusting his shirt off.

"He's right," Kon says, smiling and placing the mini bags into one of the original large ones. "We should be off before someone notices us. Someone should get Tensa."

I nod, still a little confused by everything. "Yeah, I'll go and—"

"Grimmjow?"

I'm out of the door by the time I turn around to regard Kon. "Uh, yeah?"

"You're forgetting something."

I pause. No, I don't think that I'm forgetting anything, and I'll be coming back anyway—

Szayel points to my discarded clothes.

I look down.

Oh yeah.

Laughing, I palm the back of my head. "Haha, fuck, I guess I need tho—"

"HEY! YOU!" My attention flies to the voice coming from down the hall. Two rough-looking guys point at me. One of them runs in another direction while the first begins running at me.

With a groan, I pop my head through the door. "Guys, I think that college security found us."

Szayel snaps around and Kon is armed with the bag, peering out of the door. His eyes go wide as saucers when he sees the man running towards us. "EVERYONE OUT, MOVE, MOVE! RUN AND DON'T STOP!" he yells, dragging Szayel out of the room and herding us down the hall while simultaneously glancing backwards at the fast-approaching pursuer.

"We'll get in more trouble if we run from them, we've already been caught!" Szayel argues, trying to get out of Kon's grip. "And besides, there is no way that someone as perfect as me is going to be caught running with a naked waste of oxygen like Grimmjow Jaegerjaques! Get him his clothes!"

"It's only one guy, Kon, we could beat him up and throw him in a closet or something," I protest.

Three of us, one of him, and I'm a professional ass-kicker. The odds really couldn't be better.

The redhead gulps as he continues to run. "Uh, I think there's something that I should probably tell you guys."

"Now?" hisses Szayel, now clawing at Kon's arm in attempts to escape. "Can't this wait until we've either lost this man or gotten caught and are sitting outside the main office?"

Bang.

Szayel and I both go a little slack as we register a gunshot.

Kon cringes. "Sorry for not telling you, but you have to understand. I'm with the Vizards, and those guys aren't on good terms with us. The ingredients we just used were stolen from them."

At this point, Szayel and I are both running faster than Kon is, now panicked beyond reason.

But Kon has one more piece of news to sugar up my day.

"Also, these guys… they never travel alone. There are probably at least 15 of them in the school right now."

Yippee ki yay, motherfucker.

I am going to die.


	15. This is the Part Where Everyone is High

**A/N**

**THANKS YOU TIMES A MILLION BAJILLION TO HORO-EMPTINESS. Horo, you are a god. Everyone should go read his stories and favorite him and send him messages with bunny emoticons *endorsessssss***

**The chapter is finally out! I finally tied it into the beginning of the story (somehow). So yeahhhhhh. Mmmkay I'll try to update sooner next time I'M SORRY okay thats enough typing bye bye**

* * *

><p>"Left!"<p>

"No, right!"

"I wanna go straight!"

My request is met with a simultaneous "NO."

Weaving through hallways, Szayel, Kon, and I had managed to avoid any more gunshots or evil baby-eating gangsters from hell. It was probably luck, but Kon deduced it was his "mad skills."

I feel my heart flutter or some poetic shit like that when I see the staircase leading to the first floor, the gateway to freedom from this mess. We're close, so close! My luck is turning around, I can feel it! Fuck yeah!

Nah, just kidding. My luck fucking sucks. Right as we approach the stairs, angry voices and pounding footsteps coming from downstairs alert us that this staircase is no longer a safe escape route.

"Quick, this way!" Kon orders, spinning Szayel and I around and sprinting forward, only to pale when he sees more guys coming in from two other directions. Turning, he drags us down the only free corridor, barking instructions to us along the way.

"Listen kiddies, I have a task for you." Pulling his bag from over his shoulder, he tosses it to me. "I'll take care of things here, but you two need to get out. I'm gonna make a call so the big kids can play, alright? Make sure those stay safe." Kon pointed to the bag again, giving me an uncharacteristically serious expression as he emphasized the importance of defending the bag. "Can you do that for me?"

Nodding nervously, we continue to run as Kon spins around and whips out his phone as he dashes down a separate corridor. I shoulder the bag and glance to Szayel, who I know isn't as athletic as I am. Or as athletic as anyone, really. Poor kid's a wimp. He's got arms like noodles. The squiggly, rubbery, yummy cooked noodles, not the stiff raw ones that break easily. Well, I guess his arms would probably break easily, but that's not the point right now.

"You okay?" I ask, a small line of worry creasing between my eyebrows as I watch him struggle for breath. It's not like me to be concerned for people, especially narcissistic pricks like Szayel, but after everything that we've been through… I dunno. Doesn't that make us, like, blood brothers or some shit?

"I'm fine," he manages to spit out, even though it's obvious he's not.

I have no time to suggest an alternative route of escape (right now, I'm all for jumping out a window) as we pass an intersection and see a trio of armed thugs that immediately notice us and give chase.

A small growl rumbles in my throat when I realize that they're gaining on us. I slowed my pace to stay with Szayel, but at this rate, they're going to get both of us. It makes me angry that I have to run instead of turning and serving them up a plate of Grimmjow's special knuckle-sandwich, but they've got guns and I've got a bag full of drugs. I might be spontaneous and sorta reckless, but I do have a shred of common sense.

A plan quickly forms in my head. "Szayel, split up!" I yell, roughly shoving him in the other direction as I spin on my heel and take off down the opposite corridor. It's not the brightest idea, but it's obvious that we don't matter to these people; it's only the drugs that they want. Szayel and I, maybe even Kon, are all just collateral damage. The three chase me and leave Szayel alone like I planned, but that still leaves me with the problem of escaping alive and loaded with drugs. Woo, grab the confetti. Party for me.

My eyes widen and I prepare to eat bullets when two of the thugs raise their guns and take aim. There aren't any corners to turn, no open classrooms.

I'm saying my goodbyes when I hear some thuds and angry shouts behind me. Turning back, I see Tensa with some massive gun, dancing around two of them like a goddamn ballerina and shooting periodically. I notice small, dart-like objects sticking out of their bodies in a few places and realize that Tensa is using a tranquilizer gun when they both fall to the floor in a heap. He gives me a serious look and takes aim at the third man, who's still chasing me. We're much farther from Tensa by now, but I gained some distance because of the distraction.

Scrambling to make a sharp turn down another hall, my brain starts crying when I hear the heavy beat of footsteps still on my heel. This last fucker was probably too far away for Tensa to hit. Damn. I can feel my lungs start to burn from exertion as I sprint past more classrooms. He's gaining on me, and he's gaining fast.

Maybe I can do that cool psychological thing where I start talking to him and convince him to reconsider his life choices, then run away before he starts getting emotional? …Nah, I'm not sympathetic enough for any of that crap.

I can feel my lungs about to burst when I see it. Shining. Sparkling. Like angels descended through the windows and made all these loud, squeaky trumpet sounds before casting sunbeams across it.

There's an open door, and babe, it beckons.

Looking back over my shoulder, I see that my pursuer hasn't turned the corner yet. If I can… just… make it… to…

I nearly cry out in joy when I stumble into the room, quickly shutting the door behind me (but stealthily so the crazy fucker can't hear it).

Score! After hunching over and panting for a few moments, I punch the air in victory. Slipping the bag off of my shoulder, I slump to the ground and wipe some of the sweat from my forehead. A small shiver passes through my barely-clad body. Why is it so cold in here? Where the hell am I?

Standing, I adjust the hem of my briefs and examine the room. My eyes narrow. It kind of reminds me of… Hey! This is a Bio room! My incredibly intelligent brain of amazingness puts together the pieces quickly. This must be the room that Szayel and Kon came to, so it makes sense that it wasn't locked.

A curious, mischievous smile envelops my mouth. What would Szayel need here? Pacing around the room, I see huge-ass refrigerator thingies. Looks pretty sketchy for a biology classroom. This is more demon-lunch-room-where-they-serve-the-souls-of-fai ling-students stuff, in my opinion.

The massive metal containers make clinking noises when I tap the doors. Hmm. Fascinating.

With a shrug, I reach for the handle of one and pull, only to reveal…

…that it's locked.

I tug again, then again, and continue to struggle with the little demon spawn until my palms are red.

"Shit, won't budge…" I mutter to myself as I massage my hands. Szayel sure likes to keep his things locked up tight. LIKE HIS EMOTIONS HAHAHA—

…That was really out of nowhere. Maybe I'm finally going insane? Whatever.

Huffing in annoyance, I walk around the room and scope it out more. There's a single laptop opened on a table in the front of the room. Hmm… It has fancy buttons on the screen!

A small "ooooh" escapes me as I plaster myself to the device, eyes darting over the strange numbers and meters on the screen. By each little data center is a few buttons. They're small and boring. Meh.

But then… all of a sudden… _I see it._

Big. Rounded. Bold. Gorgeous. And bright, firetruck red. It's the most perfect button I've seen in my life, like the huge panic buttons in movies that simply beg to be pressed. Of course, pressing mentioned buttons often releases unforeseeable amounts of pain and agony, but… it was just so _inviting._

My life flashes before my eyes as I lift my pallid, pale, soft, limber, lean, long, determined, dainty, manly, delicate, strong finger. My breath hitches in my throat and I debate the meaning of life, if this was all worth it, what it all means. The wind ruffles my silky azure hair, representing the ruffled feathers of my very being. The tension builds as I approach the "select" button, my heart nearly stopping as—

…Fuck this. It's really not dramatic at all. I clicked the goddamn button unceremoniously because I'm a curious douchebag.

Multiple things happened at once. I'll give it to you in a list so you assclowns can process it.

Huge, fugly, alien-mutant humanoid _things _escape from every single one of the metal freezers.

My pursuer breaks in.

I trip over the central power cord and cause some sort of internal power short because I'm a wizard.

Someone knocks over the bag of drugs and fills the air with the fumes.

I feel someone steal my underwear.

Someone has stolen my underwear.

Holy shit I'm naked.

The freezers are open and I'm naked.

Goddamn, my junk is a popsicle.

In the brief time that the light was on, I discover that the mutants look like some strange combination of chimpanzees, starfish, and geckos. I am seriously going to cry.

My only instinct is to scramble to my feet and grab as many of the little plastic bags as I can, shoving them into the duffle bag and tucking it under me arm before scrambling the fuck out of there.

I hear a few outbursts and death cries as I break out of the door, naked, cold, and probably looking like a crack junkie with the way I'm covered in powder and have huge, paranoid eyes.

Stumbling down the hall and hacking as I try to cough the hallucinogens out of my throat, I sling the bag over my shoulder and run. The mutants escape the room soon after me, hot on my tail and probably high as fuck.

Just in case anyone was wondering: freaks of nature created by Szayel and strange drugs from Madagascar are not a good combination.

Well, we seem to have caught up to the first scene of the story. Stories are just so much cooler when they start en media res.

I guess that doesn't really matter, though, seeing as I'm probably about to die a sad, naked, ridiculous death, and at the hands of Szayel's scientific creations, no less.

Tell my family I love them. Tell Ulquiorra that he would look great in spandex. Tell Nnoitra to suck a dick.

When the world fucks you over, there's only one thing to say.

Dear world,

Fuck you too, world. Fuck you too.

Hugs and kisses,

Grimmjow Jaegerjaques


End file.
